


You left like I was never a reason to stay

by myfadedheart



Category: Black Widow (Movie 2020), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, F/F, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Red Room (Marvel), Slow Build, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23285746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfadedheart/pseuds/myfadedheart
Summary: and yet you are the only home I've ever known.Natasha, Yelena & their twisted past, complicated present and doomed future.
Relationships: Yelena Belova/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 53
Kudos: 148





	1. home to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I never really let you go  
> Just thought that you should know  
> Even though you broke my bones  
> Your soul is where I made my home."

**PRESENT; GERMANY**

It was almost 4 am and rain was pouring down in sheets as Natasha reached the road leading to her final destination. Due to the heavy rain, she could barely see anything. But peering out through the windshield into the darkness, the city lights of Berlin finally appeared in front of her eyes.

However, her relief was quickly replaced by nervousness. 

She clutched the steering wheel with both hands, her palms sweating. Heat was rising inside her and she couldn't stop herself from biting her lip.

Natasha wasn't really used to feeling nervous, but she tried not to be bothered by her body reacting like that. Her own emotions didn't scare her anymore.

They used to. In the past, she would lose control everytime she had felt something different than pain or silent numbness. That's how she was raised after all, but she was not that person anymore. Or rather than that, she was a person now and not that monster anymore.

Clint's patience and determination over the years, job that gave her life a purpose and all the people that felt comfortable around her, trusting her with their lives and calling her _their friend_ made her believe she could be human one day again.

And to be human meant to have feelings and be capable of working with them.

She didn't even think love was for childern anymore.

So she tried to take control of her breathing and focus on the road in front of her, but way too much was going on in her head and she had no idea how to silence her thoughts. She still couldn't wrap her mind around everything that had happened. The most confusing was what was happening right now.

After all this time, she was heading to her home. Heading to _her_.

**  
A WEEK BEFORE; UNITED STATES**

Natasha hid in a dark alley somewhere in Brooklyn. Once out of sight, she took off her hood and sunglasses and leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. 

_How did she get herself into this mess again?_

Waking up as someone who was being wanted by the federal government was nothing new to her. The government was a bunch of ungrateful jerks. But the fact that the public perceived her as a villian once again got under her skin this time.

Tony and Steve got into a fight and she ended up alone, in the middle of the night, resting for a minute after she spent whole day on her feet looking over her shoulder. Good thing it became her second nature long time ago.

Being on the run without having anywhere to go was not part of her plan. One lifetime wasn't enough to wipe all red out and now she was wasting time again, missing the point of it all.

The most nerve wrecking part of the whole situation was how easily everything she considered stable in her life collapsed like a house of cards.

Everyone believed that she was unbreakable. Only a few people knew it wasn't the truth. For all she knew about herself and her past, she'd always been so broken that there was nothing that could break her more.

 _God how she missed things being normal._ Which made her smile a little. That she had something to call normal and she was capable of missing it. There was no chance she would let them take that away from her.

She received a coded message from Clint yesterday. He wrote that he had accepted house arrest so he could be with his family, which was a good thing. But he also mentioned that agents were monitoring his farm, waiting for Natasha to show up so they could arrest her.

_changed my mind btw. you can hit me as hard as you want, we'll always be friends. be careful Nat, see you when this chaos is over. miss you… we all do.:)_

So Clint didn't change at all. Who else would take time to code an emoji. His message was keeping Natasha sane. Maybe it might be over one day, Clint was a dumbass but never a liar. One of the few things they didn't have in common.

She got one from Maria as well, warning her about more agents around the Avengers facility. Natasha really wished no Sokovia Accords had happened.

Speaking of Maria, that was where she was going right now.

She didn't want to drag anyone else down with her, but Maria was the only person who could handle the government as well as Natasha could. Probably better, given the current situation.

And on top of that, Natasha missed her.

Maria's body tensed up when she heard someone tapping on her window. Looking at the clock only deepened her confusion. It was close to midnight and she wasn't expecting anyone, not that she felt like sleeping anyway.

She was slightly drunk after finishing her fourth beer and so damn tired of overthinking. She got up from the couch and nearly tripped over its corner as she slowly approached the window. Her eyes narrowed, trying to catch a glimpse of someone in the darkness.

As soon as she recognized Natasha's face, she hurriedly opened the window, pulling Natasha down into a tight hug.

Natasha hugged her back, burrying her face in the crook of Maria's neck. As Maria held the back of Natasha's head, she sighed into her hair. “Am so glad you are okay,” her voice barely above whisper.

“Okay sounds like an overstatement to be honest,” Natasha smiled after they pulled apart.

Maria chuckled, more out of relief than amusement, as she held Natasha's shoulders. "Then you are alive at least."

Later, they both sat on Maria's couch with beers in their hands, lost in thought. 

“So what's the plan?” Maria asked after few minutes of comfortable silence.

“I haven't really thought about.. any plan yet,” Natasha said absentmindedly, staring in front of herself.

Maria watched her for a second, waiting for her to continue before breaking the silence. “Well if that's true you are a lucky bastard,” Maria said as she took a sip from her bottle. “I can't think about anything else, no matter how hard I try.”

“I don't know,” Natasha replied, still not fully back in reality. She looked down, her fingers playing with the sticker on her botttle. “I have no idea where to start now. I can't run anymore. I promised myself I would never get into situation like this again.”

“It wasn't your fault Nat.”

“Yet here I am,” Natasha said as she finally looked at Maria and smiled sadly. “I have to come up with something to do. I can't lay low for months again, it nearly killed me last time. I need a purpose.. a mission.”

“Trust me I understand. Our jobs fucked us up a little, didn't they?”

“A little,” Natasha laughed quitely. “One better than another.”

She wanted to joke by saying _from Red Room to Shield to Avengers more like from a murderer to a liar to a public enemy_ except the words Red Room never left her lips. But they weren't choking her like they usually did, which was much more terrifying. 

“A horrible idea, really,” Maria words snapped Natasha back to reality. 

“What?“

“I know that look. Some genius idea that will probably get you killed just strucked your mind,” Maria said, looking proud of herself for reading Natasha's mind.

“It's not an idea yet,” Natasha protested, sounding mostly amused.

“So what are you thinking about exactly?”

“Home,” Natasha heard herself say. _Why the hell did she say that?_

“Okay I was mostly right then. Won't get you killed, but arrested."

Natasha looked at Maria, confused.

“You can't go back to the facility. The whole place is being monitored by federal agents. They wouldn't give you a chance.”

Natasha nodded as she understood. _So that's what Maria meant. She couldn't read her mind really._

But panic was growing inside of her as she realized how naturally it felt to say home while it was the Red Room on her mind. Maybe her demons weren't buried as deep as she thought. As deep as she hoped. Or perhaps she didn't mean the Red Room as such at all.

Natasha flinched at the realization that Maria had been talking for a while now without her listening. Luckily Maria noticed it too and didn't even finish her sentence but instead she offered: "Let's go to bed. You are tired. We both are.”

Maria got up, taking Natasha's empty bottle from her hand and went to the kitchen. “Am leaving in three days but you can stay till then. Well you can stay even after." 

Still sitting on that couch, Natasha was considering her options. _Three days._ _It sounded like enough time to prepare everything she needed._

And just like that, it became an idea. She still could do something good. But she couldn’t do it alone. And unfortunately, she could think of only one person who could help her.

Natasha spent the upcoming days in her car outside the Avengers facility, waiting for the right moment to get in.

She wanted to get some stuff from her room, her favorite weapons from the warehouse and the new equipment she was testing with Tony before. It wasn't perfect yet but it was fun.

The most important thing was to hack into Stark's data system and find all the information she needed to track location of one little spider.

Sneaking past the agents was even easier than Natasha expected.

The first complication occured when she was searching the data system. It turned out that not even the great Tony Stark knew the real name of Natasha's shadow. Natasha had to search dozens of information about herself before she could find one file in which the name Black Widow didn't match the name Natasha Romanoff or Natalia Romanova.

Natasha smiled to herself while the file was loading. _She'd hate this. Being hidden in the shadow of Natasha's glory. The second Black Widow, nothing less but nothing more. Natasha always found her obsession to be the best entertaining._

Until she wasn't smiling anymore. _Maybe she wouldn't hate it. Natasha didn't really know what kind of person she was now. She just hoped she was still a person. That they didn't hurt her enough to destroy the stubbornness inside her tiny but strong body-_

Her breath hitched when she saw the picture that appeared on the screen. Fucking Yelena Belova was staring back at her.

And again, Natasha couldn't shake the feeling that Yelena was looking right into her soul. She wasn't surprised. There was a time when Natasha would swear that Yelena owned the second half of her soul. That they shared one. 

What caught her by surprise was how her own reflection on the screen merged with Yelena's picture and they formed one face. Half of Yelena and half of Natasha forming one Black Widow. It fitted perfectly.

They used to be one, after all.

**  
PAST; RUSSIA**

All girls were sitting in a row, their backs leaning against the cold wall of the Red Room's basement training room. They waited.

Every week, they were introduced to one mystery opponent. No one ever knew who would walk through the steel door to fight them in the ring, but every girl had always hoped to win over them. However, that only happened once. And it was a long time ago.

Chills ran down Yelena's spine as she felt what was about to happen. She'd always known Natalia was close before she could see her.

They used to call each other sisters.

Yelena was five when she was captured and dragged into the darkness of this hell called the Red Room and Natalia took her under her wing.

She came to Yelena when she heard her crying on her first night and tried to comfort her. She risked being caught and tortured but she didn't care and it meant everything to little Yelena.

She was told her parents didn't want her anymore and they sold her to the Red Room so they could do whatever they wanted with her from now on.

Of course they lied. Natalia knew it. But maybe the truth that her parents were deadly worried, looking for her everywhere without having a chance to ever find her, might have been worse and Natalia didn’t want Yelena to suffer even more.

Yelena didn't say a word first weeks after being captured and it was making their masters mad. But when they came for her, decided to torture her until she spoke, Natalia stood up in their way. So they took her instead.

Natalia came back later that day, her face and hands bruised and Yelena was afraid she would never want to see her again.

But she took Yelena's hand and led them out of sight, pulling her by the hand to sit down behind some old boxes and she hugged her. Yelena cried as Natasha hold her, whispering that she would never let anyone hurt her little sister.

It was the first time the Red Room's walls heard Yelena's voice. “I really want to go home,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“This is your home now,” Natalia whispered back into Yelena's hair. She wanted her to understand that hoping to ever get out of here was hopeless and only hurting her more.

But the only thing Yelena understood that day was that this right now was her home. Natalia's arms around her, her hand stroking her hair and patting her back. The way she smelled and her heartbeat.

They became close friends, always side by side. They came to the point where all of the new girls thought they were actually sisters.

They were just childern and having each other's back was the only thing this cruel world had left them. It kept them from breaking completely and losing their minds.

Years passed and Natalia's skills quickly outgrown those of everyone else. She was faster and stronger than all the other girls. Better in every aspect of their training and it didn't take long for their masters to see it too.

And Yelena despited Natalia's proud face as they were praising her. She would do anything to please the people she and Yelena once dreamed about killing together.

It was proven one day, when Natalia and Yelena ended up in the ring together. Yelena didn't know what to do because she didn't want to hurt Natalia. But before she could even react, she was pinned down to the floor with Natalia kneeling on her neck.

She felt her heart crushing as Natalia looked up at their master, waiting for her command. Yelena had never stopped thinking about that if their master's thumb was pointing down, Natalia would kill her that day without blinking an eye.

Later that day when Natalia came to sit next to her during diner and started talking about some new weapon, acting like nothing happend, Yelena acted the same. Because she couldn't afford to lose Natalia. But the memory had always been in the back of Yelena's mind.

Few weeks later, Natalia won against one of the mystery opponents. She was the first and the last girl who was capable of it. Silence spred around the training room and everyone stood still in shock. Natalia was called into different room and Yelena thought they would kill her for being too dangerous. For not being part of the group of nameless assassins the Red Room was trying to create.

But they didn't. They started sending her on missions outside of the Red Room and she officially became one of the monsters she used to hate.

Yelena didn't see her for months. She never even came to say goodbye.

Natalia became a mystery. Yelena heard that they called her Black Widow now. The Red Room's legend and hero and the world's threat and nightmare. The girls were punished all the time for not reaching Natalia's standarts. All of them were supposed to become an army of Black Widows but now no one seemed to deserve the title. 

Natalia was never around anymore. Some were saying that she still lived in the Red Room when she wasn't on a mission but she had special trainings. Yelena felt it. She wasn't ever sure how Natalia looked by now, but she felt her presence. 

When she was practising in the interrogation room once, she looked into the mirror on the wall and somehow she knew she was staring right into Natalia's eyes. Sometimes, she went by some door and she would bet her life on that Natalia was behind them. She felt Natalia watching her when she trained and one time when she slept.

In the Red Room, bond mattered more than blood. And their bond couldn’t be broken. Yelena knew it and she had never stopped believing that Natalia did too. 

And even though her feelings towards Natalia were complicated lately, she'd never hated her. She was grateful that something was breaking her heart, reminding her that she had one.

The Red Room didn't manage to suck everything out of her. She wasn't a robot yet since she still had a soul. Soul aching for Natalia in every sense of the word because she was part of it. _They used to be one, after all._

And now after all these years, Yelena was about to look Natalia in the eyes again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!:) First I'd like to apologize. This is the first fanfiction I've ever written, English is not my native language and I have no one reading it after me, so I am sorry for all mistakes and if some parts are uncomfortable to read. I hope it gets better with time.
> 
> Since I am quarantined, hell knows when we are actually getting the Black Widow movie and I can't find enough Nat and Yelena content I just decided to write it myself. But I still don't know how I feel about it, so please just let me know whether I should continue or do something useful for school or so instead. :D
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


	2. shattered soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whatever you do  
> Don’t come back for me  
> After all I’ve bled for you  
> I can hardly breathe  
> And one more kiss  
> Could take my life."

There was absolute stillness. The silence of the training room created a perfect atmosphere of fear.

This kind of thick silence would normally chill Yelena, but waves of adrenaline rushing through her were all she felt. The moment she had waited for so many years had arrived and she was ready.

The large steel door began to open and she watched it with built up impatience, trying to open it faster with her mind.

It took a while but Natalia finally walked in.

She was strikingly gorgeous. Her suit hugged the curves of her muscular body, her silk skin and symmetrical face looked like it was carved out of stone by the greatest ancient artists, her flaming red hair looked burning to the touch. 

But she wasn’t flawless just in her looks.

Her presence in the room was uncontainable. She walked with delicate confidence and pride. Her head held high, shoulders straightened and eyes fixed forward, she held herself like a goddess would.

She had mastered the art of making sure everyone knew she was flawlessly lethal the second they laid their eyes on her.

She was a walking masterpiece.

Yelena had never seen anything so perfect.

For some reason, she had always kept Natalia in her mind as a little girl, but she wasn’t a girl anymore. She was a woman now and it filled Yelena with new kind of desire she hadn’t experienced before.

Natalia climbed into the ring, not bothering to look at anyone. Her face remained blank, showing no sign of honest emotion. But it wasn't like she was brainwashed or anything. It seemed like she thought she was too good to be here. She looked almost annoyed.

The master nodded and the girls lined up, all of them staring at Natalia with mix of undeniable admiration and pulsing will to defeat her.

Yelena watched each of Natalia’s moves with amazement. She moved with such ease. She was ruthless, giving none of the girls the slightest chance. But even though she was breaking bones and leaving bruises, she looked like a dancing ballerina.

It was Yelena’s turn. Her hands trembled as she touched the ropes around the ring. She needed to calm down badly, but it seemed impossible when Natalia was this close.

She stepped into the ring and did her best not to show her uneasiness, but she was shivering. Her breathing got alarmingly uneven as her eyes met Natalia’s deadly ones. 

She started searching for any sign of recognition, but despair began to take over her soon as she couldn’t find it.

Every muscle of Yelena’s body froze and before she could swallow her shock, Natalia plunged forward. The sudden movement caught Yelena off guard and she almost fell to the ground with Natalia’s first kick.

There was so much force in every blow and all Yelena’s attempts to hit back were far too slow.

But Yelena didn’t fight to win, she fought to be recognized. Trying desperately to hold the eye contact as much as she could, staring intensely. But Natalia looked at her like she was just another Red Room’s slave, who the Black Widow came to bite. 

Their fight didn’t last long and one agile move from Natalia caused Yelena to fall flat on her face.

Natalia pressed her knee against the back of Yelena’s neck to stop her from moving and Yelena found herself in the same situation as when she was a little girl, broken by the only person who could have saved her.

She tried to keep fighting, but she hit her head too hard as she fell, her vision became blurry and she felt like throwing up.

Then she heard the master counting before Natalia released her only to kick her with her knee one last time. “Weak,” she hissed before she got up and walked away to the other side of the ring.

Once Natalia was off her, Yelena turned to lay on her side. Everything seemed to switch into slow motion and her head was pounding. She had to use both her hands to support herself, but she finally managed to get up and head out of the ring. She was on the verge of fainting as she climbed over the ropes.

She caught a glimpse of her master’s face, it was full of disappointment and strangled anger. But she didn’t look back to see Natalia again.

She didn’t want to be reminded any of this really happened. She needed to get away.

There was a wound on her forehead as she hit her head and she felt blood trickle down her face as she hurried out of the room. She wasn’t supposed to leave yet, but for the first time ever since they captured her, she didn’t give a fuck.

_What did she have left to lose now anyway?_

She decided to head straight for the showers. They were empty. Yelena had never seen them like this before. Privacy wasn’t allowed in the Red Room. People thought when they were alone and thinking meant humanity, doubt, remorse, plans… There was no room for any of that here.

She tore her clothes off and threw it into a corner, squeezing her eyes shut as she stepped under the shower head and the steam of water hit her face.

She pressed her head against the cold wall and tried to process everything that had just happened.

Until then, Yelena hadn’t fully realized how much her life depended on the idea of meeting Natalia again. All these years of suffering were supposed to be just waiting for their reunion. She survived so they could escape together one day.

Natalia was the only real thing Yelena had ever had. And now she was left alone in the world she knew nothing about, fighting for her life for a reason that was no longer there.

Her chest ached as she thought of what she had lost.

Natalia was her hope.

And then all of a sudden, her instinct made her snap her eyes open and cut the shower off. Something was wrong. Yelena could sense Natalia again, her presence lingering in the air.

She wrapped herself in a white towel and hesitantly walked to stand next to the wall separating the shower space from the sinks.

Natalia was standing in front of one of the sinks with her back turned to Yelena. She was rubbing her knuckles to get blood off her fingers. She probably broke some girl’s nose and she bled on her.

Yelena was stuck in a trance as Natalia looked up and locked eyes with her in the mirror. She didn’t even flinch, it was obvious she knew Yelena was watching her for a while now.

Yelena couldn’t help herself but to stare at Natalia’s eyes that were completely void of emotion. They didn’t break eye contact as Natalia turned the water off and dried her hands.

Yelena finally got the sense of how her legs worked so she started walking towards the sink as far as she could from Natalia but there were just a few steps separating them. She tried to act cool but she felt like a pray being watched by a lioness.

Natalia turned to her side so she could still see Yelena, folding her arms across her chest and tilting her head. Yelena stared intensely into the mirror in front of herself in order not to turn her head and look at Natalia again.

Her heart was hitting her chest so hard it might break her ribs. It was bouncing in her ears so loud she was sure Natalia had to hear it.

“You think too much,” Natalia said suddenly, which made Yelena jump.

Yelena realized she had lost the sound of her voice as well. It was different now. So much colder.

“I am not thinking about anything,” she muttered after a second and she mentally slapped herself for sounding so unsure of herself. Her hand was shaking as she tried to reach for the knob and turn the water on so she turned her head to look at Natalia at least.

“So you say,” Natalia said, her expression still absolutely blank. “But I meant during the fight. You know you can do better.”

She waited a little longer and when Yelena didn’t answer, she uncrossed her arms and pushed herself from the sink she was leaning on. Yelena thought she was about to walk away so she ripped her eyes away from her and turned back, her nervousness taking the better of her.

But Natalia stopped right behind her. “I am just saying that they can sense it. And they hate it,” she said as their eyes met in the mirror again.

“So you are protecting me now?” Yelena asked, hating the way her voice broke in the middle of her sentence, sounding aggrievedly like a little child.

Something shifted in Natalia’s eyes at that. Her mouth didn’t twitch, but her eyes were almost smiling. “Didn’t I always, sis?” But that _sis_ sounded like hissing of the snake.

Then out of nowhere, she brushed Yelena’s wet hair away to one side of her back. Her touch sent shivers through Yelena’s body. 

She moved in close, leaned forward and lightly kissed Yelena’s shoulder, the tenderest brush of lips.

She pulled away and their eyes locked in the mirror one last time. “You got so fucking pretty, Yelena.”

And without waiting for an answer, she turned on her heel and left, slamming the door on her way out.

Yelena stand there in absolute shock, trying to remember how to move or breathe. Her chest tightened into a knot and her whole body was shaking. She felt a quiet rage building inside.

Natalia still remembered her, she remembered everything. They didn’t break her mind. 

And yet the Black Widow had nothing left of her Natalia, which made Yelena sick to her stomach.

It wasn’t the Red Room hurting her in that moment, it was Natalia herself.

The spot she kissed was burning like a fire and the traces of her fingers turned into opened cuts. 

And yet Yelena would let Natalia burn her to ash and cut her into million pieces so there would be nothing left to bury, just to feel her touch again.

Anger hissed through Yelena’s body like poison. There was no cure for the kind of sick Natalia made her.

Her blood was boiling as her face turned red, jaw clamped tight and teeth grinding. All that rage came out faster than Yelena could control and she needed a release in any form.

She smashed her fist into the mirror in front of her, splattering her blood on the sherds that fell into the sink.

She looked at her bleeding hand in absolute horror. _What was happening with her?_

Little did she know, it was half of her soul dying. And living with an incomplete soul was a form of terribly painful death.

There were shreds that were once a mirror in the sink, stained in her blood and reflecting the fear written all over her face.

It was an ironically perfect metaphor of what the Red Room left of her soul.

But she didn’t feel an urgent need to stick the pieces back together as she always did. She wanted to smash them more so there was nothing left of it. Nothing left to feel. 

And for the first time in a very long time, Yelena felt hot tears rolling down her face.

She was disgusted by herself for looking so fragile and scared. There was blood all over her face, as she wiped her tear stained cheeks with her broken fist, her eyes glassy. 

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to remove the image of herself from her mind.

When she opened them again, she changed her expression, showing nothing but unbreakable blankness, the same she saw on Natalia’s face. It was easier than she thought and it filled her with something she couldn’t quite describe yet.

Her lips parted as she inhaled deeply and at that moment, the Yelena Belova as Russia would remember her was born.

Everything came crashing at once and she couldn’t hold back any longer.

“I HATE YOU NATALIA! I FUCKING HATE YOU!”

She screamed so hard she almost believed it, except she never could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! :)
> 
> This was supposed to be part of the first chapter, but it turned out way too long, so here it is
> 
> I hope you all are safe
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	3. cursed title

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can’t believe what you do to me  
> And after everything I’ve done  
> Long ago your love was something soothing  
> Then you got greedy, love."

When Yelena was little, she dropped a mirror off the table by accident and her father was mad at her because of it. He read to her from some old book that breaking a mirror also meant breaking the soul into pieces and severely damaged soul wasn’t able to protect its owner from bad luck. It was supposed to last seven years.

Yelena still remembered it, because it happened few days before she was kidnapped by the Red Room. But even though she experienced too much pain for a little kid in upcoming seven years, she also met Natalia.

So if she had to go through all kinds of hell to find her piece of heaven, it wasn’t all just bad. That’s why she had never given high importance to the mirror.

Now it made much more sense. Natalia wasn’t her guardian angel anymore, she ruled her hell instead.

For Yelena it meant that no matter what she did now, it wouldn’t turn out good. So she might as well do whatever she wanted.

When they found her in the showers, she wasn’t supposed to be there at all, she stood in front of the broken mirror, covered in her own blood and with tears in her eyes. She knew they wouldn’t just let it go.

She knew it so well that she accepted it, which had never happened before.

One of the people who came for her was Madame Death. She and Natalia came up with this nickname when they were about ten. Madame Death was one of the highest ranked figures in the Red Room.

She always acted like she cared about everyone, holding the role of the mother for a lot of the girls, when in fact she was the one who decided who would be tortured, who would die in the ring and who was too weak to deserve to live.

She was the kind of person who would break your neck and then cry fake tears over your grave. The kind of person who would stroke your face with one hand but hold knife in the other, ready to stab it into your stomach.

On the other hand, she was the one who pointed her thumb up when Natalia defeated Yelena in the ring when they were younger. It had never made Yelena hate her less.

Her face was full of pity as she raised her hand as a command for others to get Yelena.

If they had come for her yesterday, she would have fought back, screaming, kicking and begging. She would give them exactly what they wanted.

But she didn’t make a sound this time. She was done with everything, hoping that the physical pain would replace the emotional one. Her face reconciled as she waited.

When Madame Death noticed that, she stopped them. She put her hand down as she smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. It never did. “Wash yourself and join us in the ballet room for another training, would you darling?”

Yelena didn’t understand why they didn’t punish her. They had probably never seen her like this before, giving up. They were trying to break her for so many years, but not even all these kinds of torturing could compare to having Natalia finally back and yet the furthest she had ever been.

Yelena almost stopped them as they were leaving. She almost asked them if they couldn’t try to brainwash her. She desperately needed to make sense of anything again. But she didn’t and now she had to find a way to survive herself.

Her first instinct was that she had to erase every memory including Natalia from her mind. She brought nothing but chaos to her thoughts.

But she stayed up all night, laying in her bed with Natalia’s words repeating in her mind. Her touch was still too present on Yelena’s skin, the sound of her voice singing in her ears. She would have to die to forget her.

So instead she replaced every piece of the ache of longing for Natalia with blistering will to hurt her. It wasn’t an easy task, Natalia was heartless. Or that was what Yelena was thinking at least. And what was the way to break a heart that stopped beating a long time ago?

Yelena needed to take away from her the one thing she cared about the most, so she would understand her pain. But Natalia didn’t seem to care about anything, maybe except her new found family and her damn title.

_Her damn title._

It was the first time Yelena smiled that night. And somewhere between her shattered soul and exhausted brain, a plan was born.

The only way to steal the Black Widow title away from her was to become better than Natalia had ever been. To show them that there was another person as worthy of it all this time, waiting till her web was full so she could attack. 

She would rise from the dust, make them respect her, admire her and trust her, only to betray them in the end. To show the whole world who they were and what was happening behind the Red Room’s walls. To take everything from them, just like they took it from her and everyone else. To spit on the ruins, because it would be the only thing left of what the Red Room once was.

Yelena spent the following days proving her skills, each hole that Natalia left in her heart filled with raging determination to succeed.

Her emotions weren’t easily hidden on her face. She was far too innocent for that. But when she came the next morning to the training room, she knew she was good at pretending. Everyone could see something changed, none of the girls came to talk to her.

What was even more challenging was that Natalia was there too. She was training with the graduating class on the other side of the hall, but she was there and Yelena blood was boiling again.

In the past, Yelena had never tried too much when it came to fights with other girls. Always enough to stay alive, to satisfy her masters. But nothing more, because it went against what she believed in. She hated the Red Room and everything it represented. 

But she had to take it as something she would do for the sake of the journey. The only way to save them was to make them bleed.

She was unforgiving. There was so much strength in her tiny body. She didn’t know herself how good she could be.

She kept winning, not caring who was standing against her. She pictured Natalia’s face on each of them.

Her master didn’t hide that he was impressed and Yelena tried hard to make herself believe that his admiration didn’t make her feel good.

When she won seven fights in a row, the master called one of the girls that trained with Natalia. The whole hall stopped what they were doing to watch their match.

It was brutal but to everyone’s shock, Yelena won.

And she hated how the first thing she did was to look around, whether Natalia saw it.

She did. But she didn’t look concerned, definitely not jealous or scared. She looked like she was few steps in front of Yelena again, knowing that this would happen. She looked almost proud.

And Yelena needed to punch someone again.

Natalia went from never being around to always being around. She spent her time with the graduating class, but Yelena saw her more often than she would have liked. Or that was what she was telling herself.

Her skin prickled every single time Natalia was close and now it was becoming annoying.

But seeing her didn’t make her knees weaken anymore, it got her motivated, reminding her why she was doing all of it.

Yelena didn’t even despite herself as she expected. She would never admit it, but she was enjoying being the best. Enjoying something Natalia betrayed her with years ago.

It was almost funny what could one day do to a person. How having nothing to lose could twist one’s mind. But if anyone told it as a joke, people would cry.

She was now consumed by all the anger, it shut down all the other feelings. She wasn’t thinking clearly. She didn’t realize that to be obsessed with someone this much meant to give them even more power over her.

But all of it was a price Yelena was willing to pay. She had a purpose again and she was addicted on it.

She excelled during their ballet classes. She learned every Red Room’s slogan by heart. She assembled the weapons faster than anyone. She didn’t scream during their experiments.  
  
Every day she gave them a bit of herself to become more of the robot they wanted.

It had only been seven days, but to Yelena it felt like her promised seven years of bad luck.

___ 

One week after, Yelena was sitting in the Red Room’s canteen. She felt no hunger but tried to eat anyway so that she wouldn’t upset any of the masters.

She always sat alone now. She was afraid to continue to be friends with someone if she later found herself in a situation where she would have to kill them. She didn’t want anyone to feel like she felt years ago.

No one would replace what she had with Natalia anyway.

There was a voice on the radio speaking, accompanied by a Russian anthem. But Yelena wasn’t really listening. This week was too long and Yelena was too tired.

She hardly noticed the file that was thrown on the table in front of her tray. She looked at it suspiciously. It was the same file the girls in the graduation class received, containing mission information.

She waited few heartbeats for anyone to come and collect it, because it had to be a mistake. But no one came and Yelena lost her patience.

Her breath stopped as she slowly opened the folder. It was full of information, but it was just two lines that caught Yelena’s attention and she read them over and over, it got her head spinning.

_**Assassins:** Natalia Romanova, Yelena Belova  
**Location:** Kiev, Ukraine _

She was going to leave the Red Room. And she was going to do it with Natalia.

And although it was on completely different terms than she wished for, it was still what she had dreamed of since she was five.

At that moment, she understood that all that anger she felt passed week was nothing but a shield for pain. It took nothing but a sparkle of hope and she was on the ropes again.

She knew she wore a puzzled expression by now, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She started to look around the hall, utterly confused and searched for Natalia, she knew she was there somewhere.

She stopped when she saw her. Natalia was standing in the corner of the hall, staring right into Yelena’s eyes. Her face was emotionless as always, but the stare was so intense it got Yelena’s faded heart racing again.

She longed to run towards her just as much as she needed to stay away.

She had no idea what was happening, but her hunger was back and she was starving to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> I hope this chapter isn’t too boring, but I needed to get them on that mission and shift Yelena’s personality a little and I didn’t want to rush things too much. 
> 
> Also big THANK YOU to everyone who took their time to leave comment or kudos, it’s honestly the best motivation. 
> 
> Stay safe and thank you for reading :)


	4. devil never sleeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My heart is furious,  
> ’Cause I’m so confused when we’re together  
> Feels like I’m choking, these emotions  
> I know I’m gonna let you down  
> So don’t hold you breath now  
> Bittersweet in your mouth  
> Can you stomach the doubt?  
> I wish I could say what I’m feeling  
> I’m scared to let these words out."

Yelena sat stiff on her chair in what might be called a conference room. They woke her in the middle of the night, pulled her out of her bed and led her to a darkened room with a long table and all kinds of maps along the walls.

She'd seen a lot of the people sitting around the table before like Madame Death or Natalia but there were also faces she couldn't remember from the past.

No one had really talked to her about the mission yet and Yelena preferred not to ask. No one ever asked questions in the Red Room, just obeyed orders.

Yelena didn't move as she concentrated on keeping her nervousness out of her face and her breathing normal. They were obviously still waiting for someone, and so no one spoke, which made the atmosphere more frightening with every minute.

She fixed her eyes on Natalia because she was the only thing that felt familiar and somehow, she didn't feel so alone there because of her, which was rather ironic. Natalia looked annoyed as usual, arms crossed over her chest. She hadn't given Yelena a single glance yet, which bothered her for some reason.

It took a while, but the door to the room opened and a man walked in, wearing a silver mask over his face. A whiff of cold came with him and Yelena didn't have to see his face to feel his distinctive personality and how respected he was. Even Natalia straightened on her chair, watching him intently as he went to the head of the table.

He started talking and his voice was so hypnotic and dominant that Yelena shivered.

The meeting lasted at least an hour and Yelena tried to be invisible the whole time, hoping she wouldn't have to say anything. She didn't understand half the things they talked about and didn't know their secret codes. It didn't feel like she belonged there at all. On the other hand, she was glad.

Keeping her emotions off her face was getting harder but the meeting was finally over and they all rose sharply from their chairs and the complete silence became noise and chaos. Yelena was completely lost. She was the last one to sit, looking around in confusion as the others passed papers to each other, talked aloud and walked around.

She was on the verge of screaming or crying when someone put a hand on her shoulder, startling her. She turned her head to see Natalia, looking down at her.

“Come with me,” she said calmly and immediately turned to leave the room. Yelena almost flipped her chair over as she grabbed her file off the table and hurried after her. She couldn't even remember the last time she was this grateful to see her.

Yelena became Natalia's shadow once again as they walked, Natalia being her only guiding light in the dark corridors of the Red Room. For a moment, Natalia was her big sister again in Yelena's mind and she would deny the warm feeling inside her body that came from the memory.

Natalia disappeared into some doorway, so Yelena followed right after. As they entered, Natalia sat down on a chair without saying a word, threw her feet on the table and began reading her folder. Yelena took a moment to take in the surroundings.

She assumed it was Natalia’s room, but it was very dark and cramped. Nothing but a hollow cube of concrete with no windows. There was a metal closet by the door and next to the closet a bed with thin mattress in the corner. Along the opposite wall were a table with nothing on it and one chair. The whole room seemed more like a prison cell.

Yelena was pulled out of her thoughts when Natalia tilted her head, which exposed her jawline. She felt strong need to take those two steps and get to her, but she didn’t know if she wanted to strangle her or kiss her neck.

When she came back to her senses, she finally moved and sat down hesitantly on the bed. She was about to say something, but words left her when she noticed Natalia's desk wasn't as empty as she thought.

A small white stone lay there. Yelena remembered it.

_“Look what I found,” Natalia said as she sat down cross-legged on the ground opposite Yelena._

_They could spend their break in the backyard way back then. They were still kids and in the lowest grade of the Red Room, so they were allowed to go out. The sunlight was not yet forbidden to them._

_Natalia looked over her shoulder as she reached out and opened her fist. It revealed two identical white stones. Yelena watched them with amazement. “They are the same,” she said, smiling._

_“I know.. Just like us,” Natalia declared and handed one of them to Yelena. “This one is for you. Keep it please.. Will you?”_

_And when Yelena nodded, she breathed a sigh of relief. “It represents my soul, you know.”_

_“Your soul?” Little Yelena asked curiously as she took the stone and brushed it with her thumb._

_“Yes. And now one half is yours so take good care of it,” Natalia uttered. When she saw Yelena_ ' _s confused expression, she continued sadly. “I am afraid I will get lost Lena. But like this… half of me is safe with you. And you will always find me.”_

_Yelena was eight when this happened. She barely knew what the soul meant and had no idea how Natalia could get lost when they never left the Red Room. But she hated to see Natalia sad like that. She touched her feet carefully so no one would see them._

_“I want to give you half of my soul too then,” she whispered so seriously that Natalia smiled a little._

_“I don’t know if you should.”_

_“I don’t care, I want to,” Yelena said stubbornly._

_“But what if it gets lost with me?” When Natalia voice broke, so did Yelena’s heart._

_“Then I still be whole because I will have half of yours, right? But it is not gonna happen. It would hurt me and you would never hurt me,” Yelena insisted but frown appeared on her face as she saw that Natalia’s eyes got glassy._

_“How can you be so sure?” Natalia asked with tears in her eyes. Yelena had never seen her more fragile._

_“Because you help me and protect me,” she tried to make things better, but she really didn’t know what to say. Natalia was always the one comforting her. “And I would never hurt you. And we are one now.”_

_Natalia got quiet for a while, lost in her thoughts as she watched Yelena._

_“We are one,” Natalia repeated quietly, absentmindedly._

_“Lena,” she whispered as she leaned forward closer to Yelena. “Promise me you will always remember I would never hurt you on purpose, not when I am me. I will do anything to save you.”_

_The look in Natalia’s eyes terrified Yelena so she nodded rapidly. It was the first time Natalia made her feel genuinely scared._

_“Whatever it takes, I will save you.”_

Yelena's lips quivered as she couldn't take her eyes off the stone. She went through their conversation in her head over and over, trying to understand. _What did it all mean? And what did that stone on Natalia's desk mean?_

She almost forgot about that day, even though she slept every night with the same stone hidden under her mattress.

She was so tired of her conflicted feelings. Yesterday morning, she was sure she could hate Natalia one day. After tonight, she remembered why it wasn’t an option.

She took a moment to watch Natalia before she spoke.

“Do you-,“

“Shut up,” Natalia cut her off immediately, but her voice was annoyingly calm.

“What?” Yelena asked, her surprise was audible in her voice. _Was Natalia being serious?_

“Just read your file, Yelena,” Natalia muttered.

Yelena wanted to snap back at her, but she needed a moment to let her name on Natalia’s lips sink in. People didn’t call each other by their names in the Red Room, which made it sound twice as delicious. She almost asked Natalia to say it again.

When Yelena felt like she could talk, she opened her mouth, but Natalia took her feet off the table and turned on her chair to face her with serious look on her face. She leaned forward disturbingly slowly.

“The devil never sleeps,” she mouthed, not making a sound, her lips barely moving. She watched Yelena a little longer as if she waited for her to understand and then she turned back to finish reading her file.

Yelena closed her mouth and looked over the walls suspiciously before her gaze bore into her own file. But she couldn’t read a word now.

She was in the room of a trained killer whose name terrified people around the world, yet after a long time she felt safe. _Did the merciless Black Widow really retain their childhood talisman and call her new family the devil?_

And Yelena thought she'd been confused before. She had so many questions, but they could talk later, they'd have more time once they were out.

**UKRAINE**

After Yelena went over the mission information in Natalia's room for another hour, they came for her. They blindfolded her, put her in the car and drove her to the airport. Natalia didn't go with her and they didn't even fly the same plane.

She was given directions to get to the safe house from the airport, which wasn’t far away. It was supposed to be some kind of ground-floor warehouse, hidden among normal houses, where they had the tools they needed to set the bombs and other weapons ready.

Yelena felt even more uncomfortable when Natalia wasn’t with her. She couldn't shake off the feeling that there was something terribly odd about this whole mission situation.

On the other hand, she was grateful Natalia didn't see her now. Because ever since she landed in Kiev in the early morning hours, she continued to wonder at every little thing.

She had very few memories from her childhood outside the Red Room. They watched movies and were taught how the world worked, but Yelena forgot what it was like to feel the warmth of the sun's ray on her cheeks or the blueness of the sky.

She stared in awe at how many people were out there, showing their emotions as if it was easy and natural to them. Each of them looked different and they laughed and talked freely and touched each other without fear. There were flowers everywhere, the smell of coffee and music playing.

The world didn’t seem as cold and harsh as she was told. Freedom didn't seem to suffocate people.

The city never stopped moving. All the cars, buses, lights, honking and shouting. It seemed like people delighted in the chaos. There was no order, no synchronization, no weapons and no ballet.

Yelena kept being amazed by it till it scared her to death. She realized how much she was not a part of this world anymore and she didn't know if she ever could be.

She would be a monster in the eyes of all these small and innocent people with beautiful problems and minds that actually belonged to them.

At this moment, she just wanted to go back where things made sense. And there were no words to describe the hatred she felt towards the Red Room for making her this way. For stealing her life away.  
  
She had to be inconspicuous as a spy, but she found herself walking so fast she almost ran. By the time she reached their safe house, she was out of breath, her jaw tightened in order not to lose control.

She slammed the door behind her and leaned against it, trying to come back to herself. She had been lost for so long she thought she was used to it. But she was so tired of never being found. Even if she managed to run from the Red Room now, she would not know which direction to take.

“You alright?” Natalia asked, one eyebrow raised as she saw Yelena’s expression. Natalia stood bended forward over a sketch of the house plan at the table and it took everything in Yelena’s power not to run to her and wrap her arms around her. She still had it, she felt like home in those moments of desperation.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Yelena muttered as she composed herself.

She walked slowly to Natalia and put her hand on the table to support herself, but she stepped so close to her there were just few centimeters separating them, her body facing Natalia’s side. Natalia straightened up and gave her a strange look, so Yelena cleared her throat and walked around the table to stand on the other side of it.

She felt like an idiot, but there was a flicker of amusement in Natalia’s eyes under her typical mask.

Their mission was to sneak into a gun dealer's mansion and steal a flash drive from his desk with a list of his customers and exchange places. That and to let his entire house explode with everything and everyone inside.

It didn’t sound like something that should have been done during the day light, but Yelena chose not to question it.

It was hard for her to focus as Natalia explained other details of the plan to her. She wanted to ask her about the stone on her desk and the whole devil thing, but she was too afraid it would ruin everything.

“My part sounds quite simple,” she said instead. 

“It is simple,” Natalia shrugged as she began to check her guns. “Go right to that table, get the flesh drive and get out. If you meet anyone, kill them.”

Yelena hesitated just for a split of a second, but it didn't go unnoticed by the professional spy.

“What?” Natalia stopped and looked at her. “You killed people before, right?”

“Of course, I did,” Yelena rolled her eyes and went to another table to pack her own stuff, but she felt Natalia’s eyes on her back.

She lied. She had never killed anyone. It was rare and Yelena herself wasn't sure if they even knew about it in the Red Room. It was a huge coincidence more than anything else.

It didn't occur to her that she might have to kill someone on that mission. But there was the first time for everything. She had done a plenty of other awful things before, how horrible this could be.

“How do we get there?” Yelena asked as they walked out of the safe house onto the sidewalk. To be able to ask her something that casually was pleasantly strange. There were a million more serious questions she longed to ask, but she was taking what she could get.

Natalia smirked at that and it was the most emotion Yelena had seen on her face in a while. A smile drew across her face without her intention and as Natalia's eyes fell to her lips, she realized it was a few years since Natalia saw her smile as well.

Natalia watched it thoughtfully for a moment and then walked pass Yelena and headed to the motorcycle that stood at the curb. Yelena's smile disappeared as Natalia got on that motorcycle and raised one eyebrow at her. "Hop on."

Yelena eyed it skeptically. She had no idea whether the motorcycle was theirs or if Natalia decided to steal it on the spot, but she wasn't confident enough to complain about anything.

It was still the Black Widow she was dealing with, they were neither friends nor sisters anymore. No matter how nostalgic Yelena felt after today.

She finally proceeded to climb the motorcycle behind Natalia. As their bodies pressed together, Yelena's breath hitched and Natalia wasn’t helping when she pushed back even more. She knew what she was doing.

Yelena slowly braced her hands on either side of Natalia's waist. She was too aware of every touch. Holding each other like that used to feel like coming home, but so much time had passed since then. Now Yelena was going mad because of it.

Natalia started the motorcycle and looked over her shoulder. “Hold on tight!”

_I always will._

“We should wear helmets,” Yelena declared and she would swear she heard Natalia chuckle a little, but it was probably the roar of the engine.

As they drove the streets of Kiev, Yelena went through the weirdest flow of emotions. Her uncertainty about the ride quickly turned to being completely stunned.

The adrenaline flooded her system and her mouth hanged opened as she watched the world around her, feeling Natalia’s muscles move beneath her and wind in her air.

For the first time in so many years, she felt alive. She was a bird set free, spreading her wings.

But then out of nowhere, sadness washed over her again. She knew she would never be free. She was destined to live her life in pain and to bring the pain to others.

She felt hot tears prickling her eyes and she tried so hard to fight them. In that moment of weakness, she rested her head on Natalia’s back. She hoped Natalia would think she was protecting herself from the wind. She could blame the tears on the wind in her face as well.

As soon as they got a short distance from the city, they stopped on some dead road to walk the rest through the forest. The mansion was right there on the hill.

Natalia didn’t say a word about what happened on the motorcycle. In fact, she didn’t say a word at all. Yelena had no idea how to start their conversation either and it was eating her inside.

When they finally got there, Natalia gave Yelena one long glance. “Look both ways, okay?”

And Yelena nodded. Even though she wasn’t sure what Natalia meant.

The following events happened quickly. They got through the fence and security, disabled the alarm system and while Natalia went to install the bombs, Yelena made her way to the study, which contained the table with the flash drive in it.

Everything went well until Yelena stopped in the library because she heard the stairs creaking behind her. She made quick calculations and figured she wouldn't be able to get to the door before the someone came down and saw her.

In one movement, she turned around, held out her hand and aimed her gun. But she could do nothing but stood there in horror as she saw that the one standing on the stairs was a little girl. She was like five.

It was a little redhead, the same shade of hair as Natalia had before. And the same terrified expression Yelena used to see in the mirror for the first weeks after she was captured. It was indescribable what it was like for Yelena to finally see them both in one person. _We are one._

_“If you meet anyone, kill them.”_

Her knees began to weaken, but she took a deep breath, blinked slowly and tried to pull the trigger, but she couldn't. She didn’t have the courage to act. Her hand was trembling too much and the beat of her own heart bounced around inside her skull.

And just when Yelena thought she could do it if she didn't look at the little girl, there was an enormous explosion.

She ran out of time.

Loud crash followed by blinding flash came from the side wall, thousands of pieces of glass, wood and paper flew all over the room and the whole library was under thick pillar of smoke and dust within seconds.

Several timed bombs were set all over the house and this was only the first one, but Yelena realized it too late.

She felt someone's body pressing against her and that someone ripped the gun from her hand and wrapped the other arm around her waist, pushing her to the ground. She heard a shot and then another explosion. Everything went black.

_She let Natalia down._

___ 

When Yelena came back to consciousness, she let her eyes flutter open. For a second, she had no idea where she was or how she got there.

Apparently, she was in the back of some truck, laying on her side on something firm. She felt the movement of the wheels over the road and sharp pain passed through her beaten body with each hole in a roadway.

As her blurry view slowly came to focus, she recognized Natalia, who was sitting on the edge next to her. She was looking in front of herself and she had her Black Widow expression back on fully, but she looked alright, just few little scars on her face and relief washed over Yelena.

She was still confused as she reached for Natalia’s hand instinctively. Natalia snapped her head to watch Yelena’s fingers wrapping around her hand, but she let her took it from her lap and lay it closer to her.

Yelena tried to squeeze it, but she was exhausted and every move hurt her.

“Nat,” she muttered, her voice barely above whisper and her throat was sore. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I couldn’t… are you okay?”

Yelena saw the shock register on Natalia’s face before she could hide it again. She withdrew her hand swiftly and turned her head to look back where she was looking before Yelena disturbed her, she seemed uneasy.

Yelena found out they weren’t alone in the van, when she followed Natalia’s eyes and saw one of their masters sitting there, his face strict and angry.

Before she passed out again, she understood that she wasn’t in half a trouble for ruining the mission as she was now for showing her feelings.

Natalia was right. The devil never slept. Not even this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :) 
> 
> This one is a little longer, but it didn’t feel right to cut it off
> 
> Have as amazing day as possible now!
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	5. forgive me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This love has to go  
> We lost our self control  
> And it hurts you, don’t it burn you?  
> And i hate to make you fire  
> I’ve got no other lies to turn to."

**RUSSIA**

When Yelena woke up, she jerked upright but her body refused to move. She felt the handcuffs digging into her wrists, holding her arms behind the chair she was secured to. Panicked, she looked down to find a rope around her ankles.

She tried to free herself, but her beaten body responded and her aching muscles made her stop fighting. She hissed in pain and released the tension in her body, letting her head fall forward.

But the panic in her grew stronger again when the second her mind calmed, she realized she could hear breathing that wasn’t her own.

She looked up and saw Natalia, sitting on another chair across from her. She wasn’t tied up, she sat in her typical slumped position with her arms crossed, looking bored and bothered as she watched Yelena.

Yelena’s eyes desperately searched hers, pleading for explanation. But the hollowness in them gave nothing away.

There was a lamp suspended from the ceiling between them as the only source of dim light. The whole room resembled one of the Red Room’s basements. There was moisture in the air and a strange smell coming from the walls.

Yelena gave a start when suddenly, Madame Death came out from behind Yelena's chair and stopped to stand between her and Natalia. _That wasn’t good._

She gave Yelena a serious dominant look. Yelena saw this look in past, but never toward her. Nothing good had ever come of it.

“Who's sitting across from you?” she asked without smiling, her voice was calm but ice cold and she sounded stricter than usual.

Yelena’s eyes grew wide as she stared at her in horror. She tried to take a breath so she could speak, but her chest hurt too much and the distress controlled her more than ever before.

“Who's sitting across from you?” Madame Death repeated, louder and angrily.

“The Black Widow,” Yelena stammered. Even she herself could hear the confusion and hint of fear in her voice.

“What is her name?”

“Natalia Romanova,” as she let the name out, Natalia rolled her eyes and Yelena felt her stomach tighten. _What was happening?_

“What is her place in this world?”

“In… in the Red Room,” there was a question in her tone, but she stopped herself from saying _with me_ at least, which was the first thing that occurred to her.

“What does she mean to you?”

Madame Death paused before that question and Yelena knew her life depended on the answer.

She had to say _nothing,_ but she couldn’t will her lips to move as she slowly turned her gaze from Madame Death to Natalia. She stared at her with something unreadable in her expression, tears forming in her eyes. She let her mouth hang open, her lips quivering.

Natalia had one eyebrow raised, almost as if she was trying to encourage Yelena to answer. She knew that if Natalia could, she would rise from her chair and slap her back to her senses. But words left her.

 _Nothing_ could never be the answer. Not when Natalia was everything.

For a minute she forgot the danger she was in. She was just lost in those gorgeous deadly green eyes she loved as much as she hated them.

At that moment Yelena surrendered and it was the bravest thing she had ever done.

She knew that lethal silence was the closest she could get to telling Natalia how much she meant to her. The only way to let her know how much she cared.

Now Natalia knew Yelena had never forgotten any of their childhood promises. That she had never wanted the half of her soul back. That she had never stopped loving her with everything she had.

She was the only thing the Red Room could never steal away from her, even though they tried. They ripped her apart to make her heartless. But it was Natalia's voice in her head that always made her make it last. It was her memories of her that still made her human. 

If they wanted to try again, they might. They could destroy her, broke her bones, burn her flesh and rape her mind and yet it would be Natalia's name on Yelena's lips with her last breath.

At this point, Yelena was looking through Natalia more than at her, but a small smile drew across her face. It felt so good to finally admit all of that to herself. It felt like setting herself free much more than if she cut the ropes and destroyed the handcuffs.

Natalia didn’t allow any emotion to leak out, but Yelena used to know her too good not to recognize the slightest hint of confusion in those eyes.

Yelena almost forgot Madame Death was in the room too until in one fluid moment, she pulled a knife that was tugged behind her skirt and stepped closer to Natalia with her arm stretched out, as if she was about to stab it into her.

“No!” Yelena screamed, but regretted it immediately as she saw the knife stopped right in front of Natalia's neck. It was a trap.

Madame Death smiled in satisfaction as she turned her head to look at Yelena, her psychopathic eyes screaming _you failed._

Natalia didn’t flinch when Madame Death pointed the knife at her. But now she closed her eyes slowly with a quiet sigh. She knew Yelena fucked up.

Madame Death straightened up, readjusted her skirt and stepped back from Natalia. Yelena squeezed shut her eyes involuntarily as she expected the first blow. Probably the first of many. But it didn’t come.

“Who's sitting across from you?”

Yelena snapped her eyes open in confusion as she heard that. But she quickly understood as she saw that the question wasn't for her. _Oh no._

“Number 041964,” Natalia answered confidently, keeping her eyes focused and blank.

“What is her name?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Natalia was good. And Yelena hated it. 

“What is her place in this world?”

“She has no place in this world,” Natalia answered calmly.

“What does she mean to you?” Madame Death smiled as she asked that, closing her eyes in delight, prepared to hear the answer she craved. Feeding herself the pain of others as she always had.

“Nothing,” Natalia uttered without a sign of hesitation. Without a sign of lie. 

And it was more hurtful for Yelena than any of the blows she could get.

“Would you mind if I killed her right now?” Excitement burning in her evil eyes.

Natalia glared at Yelena at that, the slightest smile tugging at her lips. “I would be pleased to do it myself,” she said heartlessly.

It hurt. It hurt so fucking much.

Yelena lied to herself that Natalia had learned those answers over the years. That the only reason she said them was because she knew she had to say them.

But the pain was unbearable and she soon felt hot tears running down her dirty face. She tried to stop them, knowing it was only making it worse for her. But she didn’t know how. She never knew how when it came to Natalia. She was strong, but Natalia was her greatest weakness.

“Good girl,“ Madame Death said proudly as she leaned forward to caress Natalia's face. She was her little pet now and it was disgusting for Yelena to watch. And she hated to see someone touching Natalia, especially when she couldn’t. “You can leave now.”

So Natalia left. As she was leaving, she glanced at Yelena one last time. But her eyes weren’t saying anything.

When the door closed and Madame Death turned her attention back to Yelena, she almost begged. She almost asked for mercy.

But she refused to betray herself like that. Even with tears in her eyes, she was stronger than ever before. She could withstand all of it.

___ 

She didn't get out of those basements for three days. Three days full of more pain than she thought a human body and mind could bare. No one had ever returned the same from those places.

Yelena herself felt strange walking through the corridors of the Red Room back to others. The voice of her thoughts was still the same. She still didn’t forget _her_. But something was off with her. As if her body didn’t really belong to her. She didn’t feel in full control of herself.

But her punishment was nowhere near end. They kept pushing her limits.

When the others' training was over, Yelena had to continue. When she couldn't, they made their punching bag of her. They never hesitated to kick her when she was already on the ground.

When everyone left ballet lessons, she had to stay and train pirouettes until her toes were bleeding. She was drained and it was hard to stay on her feet. She kept falling.

When she went to get her food, she was told they didn't have any for her.

And when everyone else was asleep, Yelena was tied to a chair and had to watch a black and white cartoon video projection over and over again. It was full of subliminal messages. The most repeated one was _LOVE IS FOR CHILDERN_.

All of that was a price for showing you are capable of emotions in the Red Room. It was the worst of sins there.

She didn’t see Natalia since the accident in the basement.

___ 

Few days went like that when Yelena finally got into her bed in the middle of the night, but she couldn’t bring herself to sleep. It wouldn’t help her tiredness anyway. She was so very exhausted it was slowly brainwashing her, it was the kind of tired that needed much more than a good sleep.

And besides that, the night was the only part of the day she was alone with her thoughts lately and she had time to think. She was afraid to stop thinking, she didn't want to forget how to do it.

She began to understand why some people went cold inside to escape the agony. Why one specific person went cold inside.

Somehow, she still couldn't bring herself to believe Natalia was really the way she acted. There were too many little things proving her otherwise.

Yelena turned to one side and managed to reach under her mattress with her uncuffed hand, pulling out the small white stone.

Something clicked as she watched it, playing with it in her palm. “I will find you as I promised.”

Then she heard the door open, so she hid the stone back under the mattress, lay on her back and pretended to be asleep.

The pulse of Yelena's heart quickened as she expected it to be another master with a new kind of punishment. But then her heart stopped completely when she felt her body trembling the way it always did when Natalia was close.

It must have been Natalia. It explained why Yelena hadn't heard a single step.

She could tell Natalia was staring at her and it was hard to keep her breathing steady. She didn’t really believe she could fool her, but she didn’t have a courage to open her eyes.

She felt the pressure on the mattress as Natalia sat on it next to her. 

After a while, she reached for Yelena's uncuffed hand and put it in her lap. Just the touch alone sent shivers through Yelena’s whole body, but she kept pretending.

”Forgive me,“ she whispered so low that Yelena could barely hear it. She assumed it was in order not to wake up the other girls. But Natalia's voice sounded weak, broken. If it wasn't the Black Widow she was talking about, Yelena would swear she was crying. It made opening her eyes even more tempting.

Natalia held Yelena's hand in both of hers, brushing it with her fingers for a while without saying anything.

“Please just remember… It’s better to be a human in pain than a monster with no own will.”

Natalia leaned forward and lingered above Yelena’s head. Yelena didn’t move a muscle as she felt Natalia’s hot breath in her face. She remembered the last time she felt Natalia’s lips against her skin and her whole body reacted. She fought hard to remain lying still. 

But Natalia pulled back without touching her. She let out a shaky breath that came out more like a sob, laid Yelena’s hand on the mattress and disappeared.

Yelena had to squeeze the sheets in her fist to avoid reaching for her. She didn't want her to leave.

It wasn't until she heard the door close again that she dared to open her eyes. She stroked the spot where Natalia sat with her fingers as if she was caressing Natalia’s body.

She had no proof that any of this happened. But she knew there was no real danger of forgetting how to think now.

She realized that she had always thought about how much Natalia had hurt her, but not how much she had been hurt herself. They were both victims in that story.

She wondered what Natalia must have been through to become who she was now. What was her breaking point.

And once again, she didn’t feel alone.

“I forgive you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. :)
> 
> I'm sorry it took me like a week to write this. I had the scenes perfectly pictured in my head, but I couldn't find the right words. Sometimes I really wish I was an English native speaker, haha.
> 
> But my writer's block is over and the next chapter should come sooner.
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


	6. bleeding bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sometimes it takes a little bleeding,  
> To remind me I'm alive,  
> I know both our hearts are broken,  
> But baby you don't know how hard I've tried."

Yelena was sitting on the floor in the ballet room. The lights were already off, but she couldn't get up yet. They kept her there three hours longer than the other girls and her legs didn't work anymore.

Her awakeness was only subconscious and the last ounces of her energy were being constantly drained out of her, ever since her new regime began. She didn't even know how much time had passed. The days blended anyway.

She felt dead inside and was ceasing to feel anything at all. The only way to rest was to shut down her mind and let her body work automatically, which was more frightening for her than any physical pain.

Tiredly raising her head, she squinted into the darkness as she heard the door opening.

When she saw it was one of the masters approaching her, she couldn't deny the sparkle of hope that they finally decided to kill her.

It was Madame Death, who stopped right in front of her. She watched Yelena for a while before she handed her a file that looked similar to the last one, which contained the mission information. But nothing about it made sense.

Yelena stretched out her trembling arm and put the file into her lap, her tired eyes staring at Madame Death. She expected some kind of explanation.

“Why are you surprised?” Madame Death asked, half smiling. “It is not usual for girls from the lower classes to succeed on their first mission.”

She squatted on the ground in front of Yelena and stroked her face with her cold hand. “Prove to us that you are worth of our trust. That your heart has died. And what's left of it belongs to no one but Mother Russia and the Red Room.”

Yelena didn't respond, her thoughts immediately wandering off. She didn't even notice that Madame Death had managed to get up and walk away, leaving Yelena in the darkness again.

_She failed their mission. She didn't even get to the flash drive before she ended up in flames because of her own mistake… Unless Natalia-_

_Natalia._

Yelena found a new strength in herself, quickly stood up and hurried out of the ballet room. Once she reached the lighted hallway, she opened the file so fast that the papers in it almost fell out. She flicked through the pages desperately to find one certain line, the beat of her heart speeding up.

 **_ Assassins:  _ ** _ Yelena Belova, Tatiana Solovyova _

Disappointment hit her like a ton of bricks. She let her arm holding the file fall to her side, not even bothering to read what the mission was about.

She hadn't seen Natalia since she came to her bed like a month ago. She didn't even know if she was okay.

Yelena really hoped _that night_ wasn't Natalia's way of saying goodbye.

___

A few days later, Yelena was packing things for the mission in the Red Room warehouse. 

She and Tatiana were supposed to ride to the east of Russia, attend a party organized for Russian soldiers who worked undercover for the U.S. Air Force and poison one of them.

They were supposed to leave in about half an hour and Yelena still wasn’t sure how she felt about it.

Part of her wanted to succeed and prove that she was truly as special as they thought. Maybe they'd treat her like they used to then. But there was also a part that wanted to mess up the mission, try to escape and never look back. Or get killed at least.

She was pulled from her thoughts by sound of the door opening. She didn’t hear a single step and the hair on the back of her neck prickled with the realization that she knew only one person who walked so quietly.

She squeezed her fists to keep control of herself and slowly turned around. But her knees began to weaken and she gasped as she saw Natalia.

She didn’t see her for far too long to remain cold, even though she wanted to at first. Now she was just glad Natalia was alive.

She looked uncharacteristically unsure of herself. She stopped a few feet from Yelena, holding something green in her hand. She stared back at Yelena as if she was trying to read something from her eyes.

Yelena realized that she didn't really know if Natalia recognized that she was awake that night. There was a chance Natalia thought their last interaction was the one when she said she wanted to kill her, instead of the one when she begged for her forgiveness.

They glared at each other for a while before Natalia broke the eye contact.

“I was told to bring you this,” she took a few long strides and handed Yelena a green bulletproof vest.

Yelena slowly reached out, taking the vest from her. She studied it for a moment before she lifted her eyes to Natalia again.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her lips slightly parted as she watched Natalia. She felt a strong need to keep talking so Natalia wouldn't leave. But if she opened her mouth, she'd probably choke.

Something in Natalia's expression felt like she was hoping for Yelena to say more. But when she didn’t, her eyes fell to the vest and she put her hands on her hips. “It's green, so it's good for the military party.”

Yelena was tongue-tied so she just nodded, pressing the vest to her chest.

They stood there frozen a minute longer before Natalia turned to walk away. Yelena watched her leaving longingly, letting out a sigh as she remembered how to breathe again.

Her eyes dropped to the floor. She was mad at herself for acting like that. There was so much she needed to say but she didn’t know how.

She would have never forgiven herself if that was the last time she saw her.

“Yelena,” Natalia called from the door and Yelena snapped her head up. “Look both ways, will you?”

_Again._

“I will,” Yelena replied, smiling to herself when Natalia disappeared behind the doors.

Something between them definitely shifted. 

___

Yelena's uncertainty about their mission increased as she and Tatiana were driven by van to the city where the event would take place later that day.

The thing was, the only girl from the graduating class she'd ever properly met was Natalia. Tatiana was different.

Yelena thought Natalia was on the verge of losing her humanity with her blank face, denied emotions and list of innocent victims. But compared to Tatiana, Natalia wasn't even close to it.

She kept staring in front of herself, her movements reminded Yelena of a robot and whenever Yelena tried to ask something, she repeated the Red Room slogans or quoted the text from their file. There was nothing honest or real left in her.

Yelena was genuinely afraid that it was the future of all the Red Room girls.

Maybe Natalia saved herself by being perfect since she was a child. Thus, she avoided the procedures that made Tatiana behave like that.

In the evening, they arrived at their safe house. It was a darkened apartment with two rooms. In the first one was a couch with two armchairs and a kitchen counter separated by a kitchen island. The other was small dirty bathroom.

Yelena put her bag on the couch and went right to the bathroom, mainly to be alone for a while.

She rested her arms on the sink and looked at her tired face in the mirror. She had been feeling strange last days, as if she weren't herself.

Sometimes she wanted to raise her hand to touch her face, but her body didn’t obey her. She could feel thoughts that weren't her own forcing into her mind. Often, she would answer her masters' questions automatically without her knowing about forming the answer.

Looking into the mirror reminded her that she was still there.

It was hard to decide whether to keep fighting or give up.

When Yelena came back from the bathroom, Tatiana stood with her arms straightened along her body at the window, staring out into the street without blinking.

Yelena couldn't wait for them to finally go to the party, she wasn't even nervous because of the mission anymore. Being with that ghost in one room was making her sick.

A few hours later, they dressed in military clothes and started off toward the building where the party was taking place. Yelena was wearing the green vest Natalia had given to her and couldn’t stop playing with the zipper of it the whole ride.

At first, things went surprisingly well since they got to the place, given the situation that this was Yelena's first proper mission.

Compared to the last time she found herself among ordinary people, they didn't make her nervous anymore. She was completely numb.

It wasn’t clear whether it was a good thing.

Yelena did a great job fitting in with the party attendees, while Tatiana was watching from the balcony. Later, she directed her attention where she saw their target standing. Once he was alone, she took two drinks off the counter and headed towards him, slipping the poison into one of them.

Unfortunately, in the next five minutes, everything went down fast.

Yelena managed to engage a conversation with their target and offer him the poisoned drink. She looked natural, no one would have had any suspicions.

She wanted to stay close to him for a while longer to make sure he had actually sipped from his drink. Her mission file said the poison would take effect in seven minutes.

The mission seemed to be a piece of cake.

But Yelena's confidence quickly faded as he began coughing immediately. She was standing too close to him and everyone was staring at them. She held the same drink he did, before the glass fell to the ground along with his body.

Everything went fuzzy as she started turning around. She was looking for Tatiana.

She realized the trouble they were in when everyone started pulling out their guns. It was clear that everyone knew each other, and Yelena and Tatiana were the only intruders. It was like she was the only person who didn't belong at a gang party.

She stood completely still, considering her options. But her calculations disappeared the second she heard a shot on the balcony. She looked up sharply to see Tatiana, falling over the railing.

Her body had not yet hit the ground when the utter chaos began. Yelena winced and ran for the door. She heard several shots behind her and several people tried to catch her, but she was quick. She threaded her way between them.

She had just managed to get out the door when she felt a powerful blow to her head and fell on the cold concrete of the sidewalk.

The last thing she saw before she passed out, were soldiers that went after her falling to the ground one by one. She couldn't see what was knocking them down as if they were fighting with the shadow.

Whatever it was, it was deadly quick and quiet.

___

When Yelena regained consciousness, she was lying on the couch in their safe house. She had a headache but felt no other pain.

Putting her hand to her forehead, she cocked her head to look around the room. But her eyes stopped immediately as they fixed on Natalia. 

She was sitting next to her and there was something different about her. Her face seemed relaxed for the first time since she became the Black Widow. She was watching Yelena intensely and even though she wasn't smiling, her eyes were kind.

Yelena’s lips fell open as she let out a shaky breath. She couldn’t take her eyes off her.

She couldn't tell if Natalia was real. She had always been too good to be true, always felt out of this world. But now Yelena's head was spinning and she didn't believe her own mind.

“Welcome back,” Natalia said calmly, shifting to face Yelena a little bit more.

Even her voice sounded warmer. Like it used to all those years ago. And Yelena felt tears pricking her eyes at the familiarity of it.

“Am I dead?” She was still disoriented as she asked that and Natalia raised an eyebrow at that.

“No,” she replied, but there was a question in her voice. “No need to thank me for that.”

She reached for a glass of water that was on the table in front of them and handed it to Yelena, who rose up on her elbows to take it from her. Yelena was careful so they fingers wouldn’t brush. If all of it was a dream, she wasn’t ready to find out yet.

“Thank you,” but before Natalia could nodded satisfied, Yelena added, “for the water.”

Natalia seemed to think about it for a while, but she didn’t question it further.

“Is Tatiana dead?” Yelena had no idea what really happened. And she was trying to avoid the silence to last too long.

“Yeah,” Natalia sighed but she didn’t look like she cared much. 

“At least that,” Yelena whispered and Natalia frowned.

Yelena took a moment, looking into distance. “She wasn’t a person anymore. Her death only saved her, just as all the people she would kill.” 

She realized way too late she shouldn’t have said it. Not to someone who was a coldhearted killer herself. That wasn’t what she meant.

“I mean… sometimes death doesn’t sound like the worst option.”

Saying that was supposed to fix it, but it felt like she was losing Natalia even more as her gaze shifted to the table. She seemed to be lost in thoughts and Yelena mentally slapped herself.

She meant herself. She wanted to die. She was scared to live a life she was destined to. That was why she didn’t thank Natalia for saving her life. It wasn’t hers to live anymore.

The uncomfortable silence was eating her inside.

“How… how are you even here?” Yelena asked as she was hit by the thought that she didn’t know. She didn't sound as confident as a moment before as her head stopped hurting and she came back to herself more. 

Natalia grabbed the empty glass from Yelena’s hand and stood up. “I’m not here really,” she said as she walked around the couch and headed to the kitchen sink.

Yelena heart dropped instantly as she thought Natalia was really just her imagination after all.

“Technically I'm still in Switzerland. I had a weeklong mission, but I finished early,” she called out from behind the kitchen island and relief washed over Yelena.

She sat up and rested her arm on the back of the couch to be able to look at Natalia. _She was real. She was here._

“They trust you this much,” Yelena tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

“They don’t,” Natalia shrugged as she filled two glasses with water, her back to Yelena. “That’s why it’s a good thing I don’t trust them either,” she turned swiftly, leaning against the counter, folding her arms.

Yelena fell silent, but her eyes bore into Natalia’s, surprised. She was sure her eyes were burning with excitement at hearing something like that about the Red Room. Even Natalia looked amused.

“I broke into their technic room a few months ago... maybe it was a few years ago,” she trailed off for a second but recovered quickly, “I found out I was chipped.”

“Where’s that chip now?” Yelena couldn’t help herself but to twitch one corner of her mouth up. Something rebellious like that reminded her of her little Natalia.

She knew she read the situation right when Natalia smiled, looking proud of herself. The same kind of smile that conjured up on her face when she once threw a rock at one of the masters without anyone noticing when they were little.

Until this day, Yelena didn't believe she could fall for Natalia even more.

“In the shoulder of one waitress who lives in the same house where my safe place is,” she explained as she took the glasses and walked back to the couch, “and works in the same restaurant where I was supposed to be watching someone.”

She put one glass on the table in front of Yelena and held the second one with both hands as she sat in the armchair. “I really hope she doesn’t decide to go on a vacation.”

 _Was Natalia trying to joke?_ Yelena wasn’t looking in her eyes anymore, but she was smiling to herself.

Afterwards they sat in silence, but it was no longer uncomfortable. Until Yelena’s attention was caught by something on the other armchair. It was the green bulletproof vest with a several shots in its back.

“Seems like I didn’t save your life just once,” Natalia said, gazing at the vest as well.

“You said you were told to bring it to me.”

“Still,” Natalia shrugged and sipped from her glass.

Yelena glared at her, gathering courage to ask her next question. “Why would you save my life when you would be pleased to kill me?”

She needed a confirmation that Natalia didn’t mean any of those things she said in the basement.

_What does she mean to you?_

_Nothing._

“That really got under your skin,” Natalia smirked from her place in the armchair. “Don’t be stupid, Yelena.”

It wasn’t exactly a confirmation. But it was enough.

“I hate her,” Yelena hissed as she leaned forward, pulling her knee to her chest. “Madame Death, I mean.”

Natalia chuckled, which was confusing for Yelena. She lifted her chin from her knee, studying Natalia. One isn't supposed to smile like that when someone expresses their hatred for their master. It would make more sense if she broke her neck.

“I almost forgot we used to call her that,” Natalia's tone wasn’t mocking, she was smiling as she shook her head, “it sounds so childish.”

Now it was Yelena's turn to smile nostalgically. “Yeah, but I don’t mind. Our childhood is the only good thing about the Red Room I remember.”

Yelena took a daring risk by saying that. She wanted to provoke a reaction from Natalia. She wanted to talk honestly about everything that happened. She longed to now why Natalia left her, she needed her to open up about everything she had been through. They had been through.

But with Natalia, nothing had ever been so simple. It was probably one of the things that made her so irresistible.

She was looking ahead into the void, thinking hard. “I don’t remember much.”

Although she sounded sincere, Yelena refused to believe it.

“I remember everything,” she hesitated for a second, but continued anyway, “remembering it is the way I breathe.”

_Remembering you is the way I live._

Natalia looked taken aback for a second, but she was always good at hiding her emotions. Yelena wasn’t. She was getting frustrated and it was showing.

In her mind, she was begging Natalia to read her eyes. To understand what she couldn’t say out loud.

But Natalia seemed uncomfortable. She certainly didn't want to dig any deeper into it. Maybe she didn’t know how to feel like a normal human being anymore. _Was that what she was? Was it what they were?_

“Say something,” Yelena heard herself say. It slipped out.

“What do you want me to say?”

“The truth,” she shrugged.

“You want the truth about what I don't remember. So you want me to lie to you,” Natalia replied, tilting her head questioningly.

But she didn't hold eye contact for very long and looked away again. It was probably Yelena's accusing eyes that caused it. She wasn’t buying any of her crap.

Yelena didn't even know if their conversation made sense. In childhood, they developed a kind of telepathic communication that they used in front of other people.

It still worked. As if reading each other’s thoughts, Natalia exactly knew what Yelena wanted to hear and Yelena knew what Natalia didn't want to say.

For some reason, Yelena didn't want to pull out the night Natalia came to her. It was something she wanted to remain pure, unbroken by Natalia's lies. But she couldn’t hold back any longer and she needed to say something to snap.

“You kept the stone,” slipped from her lips as a whisper.

There was a brief moment where Natalia’s eyes went wide, but Yelena caught it.

“What stone?” Natalia asked without any sign of emotion, but refusing to meet Yelena’s eyes.

“The one lying on your desk. The one that divided our souls and completed our bond,” her voice was low. She looked through Natalia, her lips parted. Her heart was hitting her chest so hard it hurt. 

Something clicked and Natalia smiled lightly. “So that’s where it’s from. I’ve been wondering…”

“Stop. You are lying,” Yelena snapped, interrupting her.

Natalia glared at her. “Lying might be the way _I_ breathe, but do you realize how ridiculous you sound?” 

Yelena opened her mouth to defend herself, but her mind was blank as she stared at her.

“You talk about souls and bonds? We are nothing more than trained killers. In our world, those words have no value. Survival and blood do.”

Tears glistened in Yelena’s eyes as the knot in her stomach tightened. She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. She was furious, mostly because she felt Natalia was right.

She was also caught by surprise that Natalia spoke like that. She was still wearing her mask, but it sounded much more honest.

“You told me once that bond matters more than blood in the Red Room,” she breathed, sounding desperate. _I survived because I believed in it._

Natalia rolled her eyes. “Even if I did, I was a fucking child, Yelena. Children are stupid and naive. I used to believe in a lot of things when I was little.”

“Like what?” Yelena asked weakly, terrified what Natalia would say. She needed the last hit to give up completely.

“I don’t know,” Natalia shrugged. “Like love is real, good must triumph over evil… and two little girls can take down the whole Red Room.”

The silence spread around the room when Natalia said that. The same atmosphere as when a war ends with no winner, only a lot of losses.

They looked at each other, reading each other's eyes. For the first time, Yelena saw a hint of sadness in Natalia's green orbs.

“So you remember,” Yelena said quietly. 

“I’m trying not to.”

“I know… but the bond is real.”

_Don’t take that away from me. Please._

Natalia signed tiredly, shaking her head. “It never was.”

“I can't tell if you're lying to me or to yourself,” Yelena’s voice was purposefully steady.

“Bond will never matter more than blood,” Natalia insisted. “And blood doesn't matter too much either. It’s just a liquid flowing from dead bodies in the end.”

Yelena had enough. It felt as if they were having a heated conversation, but it wasn’t heated at all. It was calm, both keeping their voices low. Both sounding emotionally exhausted.

Years of built up frustration poured out and she couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Prove it then,” her voice as hard as her expression. She rose up from the couch and made her way to the kitchen, opening the drawer and pulling out a knife.

Natalia reacted immediately and straightened in the armchair, ready to attack. But her eyes were wide and confused. She didn’t seem to want to fight.

Yelena moved to stand between the kitchen island and the couch. The tough expression on her face didn't fade as she cut her palm deep with the knife.

Bright red blood was staining the floor as she extended her arm towards Natalia, glaring hard at her.

Natalia blinked a few times, her eyes flickering between Yelena's bleeding hand and her darkened eyes.

“Natalia, do it!” Yelena demanded, it went out like a pleading cry.

She didn't know if she was talking to Natalia or to the Black Widow in that moment. She relied on that Natalia would crave to do it just as much as Yelena, and Black Widow would never back down from a challenge.

The confusion from Natalia's face disappeared completely and her pupils dilated, her eyes darkening. She was definitely more of the Black Widow than Natalia now.

Suddenly, she smashed the glass she was holding against the table. The sound of breaking glass made Yelena flinch, but she kept her arm reached out.

Natalia picked up one of the shards and stood up. Her eyes remained locked with Yelena's as she sliced her own palm open. Her unyielding expression matching Yelena's.

She took three long strides and gripped Yelena's hand, squeezing hard.

Yelena was startled by the touch but refused to shiver, forcing herself to steady her breathing. But every atom of her body reacted to that connection and she felt hundreds of explosions throughout her whole body.

Their eyes didn’t flinch away from each other’s as their grip only tightened. It felt like they were competing who could keep their face void of emotions longer.

To Yelena's surprise, it was Natalia whose mask slipped first. Her body tensed and her eyes dropped to their joined hands. She looked as if she had just awakened.

Yelena’s whole body trembled as Natalia's eyes slowly rose back to hers. There was something unreadable in them.

“What have we done?” Natalia breathed, taking one step back to put more distance between them, but she didn't let go of Yelena’s hand.

She was panicking inside herself but it was the first time she felt less vulnerable than Natalia and she refused to lose that feeling yet.

“Became one,” she uttered, her voice cold and steady, her eyes never leaving Natalia’s. “As we were always meant to be.”

Natalia's shock was evident in the crease of her brow. She withdrew her hand from Yelena's, hiding her bleeding palm in her other hand protectively. She let her confused gaze linger on Yelena a moment longer before she shook her head and headed to the bathroom, probably to take care of the cut.

Yelena kept standing there, totally stunned. She was trying to absorb everything that had happened.

She knew she acted like a maniac, ever since she decided to go get the knife. But she couldn't help it, she was controlled by a desire to do it. That whole night was one big mess and she needed to give it a conclusion.

The whole time, she managed to keep most of her emotions off her face. But she felt absolutely paralyzed.

She'd swear she could tell the exact moment when Natalia's blood in her bloodstream entered her heart, taking over it. The moment she took her first breath after the mixed blood flowed into her lungs. The moment it got into her brain and filled all of her thoughts with Natalia.

Her mind was in shreds.

But if the rest of her life was going to be a fight for emotions, that was it. She felt everything. And she couldn’t become really numb with part of Natalia flowing in her veins.

She pressed her bleeding palm to her mouth, tasting Natalia's blood on her lips, closing her eyes to savour it.

Natalia was hell of a good liar, but the bond was real.

And it always would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Is anyone still here or did you all give up on me? I wouldn't blame you, but my online finals have started and last 14 days were a mess. This chapter is really long at least (sorry if it's not your thing and I'm only making it worse, haha).
> 
> I also have no idea if the end of this chapter makes medical sense, let's say we are in AU where it does lol.
> 
> And last but not least, if this whole story feels like a lot of random unresolved situations, I swear it will all make sense eventually. Promise!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! :)


	7. die for me then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't care if it hurts  
> I'll pay my weight in blood  
> To feel my nerves wake up  
> So love me now or let me go  
> Let me feel these highs and lows  
> Before the doors to my heart close."

Natalia never returned from the bathroom.

Later, when Yelena went to check up on her, she found nothing but an open window. The wound on her hand was the only proof that Natalia had been there in the first place.

But as she stood there, leaning against the doorframe with her arms folded and staring into the void or perhaps at the blood in the sink Natalia had left there, she realized she wasn't upset about it as she expected herself to be.

Natalia left. Unlike everything else that had happened that night, if felt like something she would do.

To Yelena's own surprise, she wasn’t even tired. She spent hours wandering around the apartment, trying to grasp at all the thoughts slipping through her mind. It was a while since she was alone and had a chance to recollect her thoughts, which was something she needed desperately.

It was not just the events of that night, but all the drastic changes that had taken place in her life in recent months that kept sleeping at bay.

As far as she remembered, her whole life contained of waiting for Natalia to come back for her. She didn't need a plan, she needed to survive. Because Natalia would come and she would save her. But Natalia did come and Yelena needed to be saved nevertheless. Perhaps even more.

And although her universe would never stop revolving around her bond with Natalia, it slowly dawned on her that she now had to be much stronger than surviving.

Waiting for something impossible to happen was tearing her to pieces. It hurt a little bit too much and a little bit too often. Even though it was probably better to feel pain than nothing at all.

She was trying really hard to think about herself and figure out something she could do, but she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that Natalia risked her own mission and flew all the way from Switzerland to make sure her mission was going okay.

Or was that even the reason? Maybe she wanted to make sure Yelena was okay.

She didn't want to set her hopes too high, but a lot of it seemed pretty suspicious.

From Natalia finishing a week-long mission in less than a day to the Red Room ordering her to bring Yelena the bulletproof vest when their main goal was to destroy everything human between them.

And why would Natalia even bother talking to her when she claimed she didn't care at all? Overall, why would she behave the way she did if she didn't care?

She kept repeating their latest conversation over and over in her head. Every word that came out of Natalia’s perfectly shaped lips was rocking her mind.

Yelena couldn't even remember the last time she had a real conversation with someone. Just talking about everything and nothing. The last time was perhaps with Natalia when they were children.

But despite all the unspoken tension between them, earlier felt kind of right. Going back into that red hell full of forbidden things that are natural to people seemed more unimaginable now than ever before.

And her thoughts only continued to betray her as she kept going even further back to little moments between the two of them that might seem forgettable to real people in the real world, but she held on them for dear life.

Like the warmth she felt when Natalia took her hand that night in the Red Room.

_“Forgive me.”_

The heat she felt as she put her hands on Natalia's hips as they rode the motorcycle together.

_“Look both ways, okay?”_

The burn she still felt on her shoulder from that day in the showers.

_“You got so fucking pretty, Yelena.”_

She didn't understand any of it. But being constantly confused was probably a part of being so close with someone and then being forced to watch them become a stranger again. 

But Natalia could never be a stranger enough. Not as much as she wanted to be. And not as much as Yelena needed her to be.

_Remembering you is the way I live._

_And it’s gonna be the way I die._

___

After hours of pondering, Yelena stopped in her tracks as she heard sounds coming from behind the window that led to the fire escape. She stood frozen behind the couch as she immediately came up with thousands of scenarios of what it might have been.

The last thing she'd expect was Natalia, opening the window and casually climbing in. She didn't even bother to make eye contact with Yelena as she crossed the room and began pulling bottles of vodka from her backpack, as if there was nothing strange about that whole situation.

Yelena could do nothing but stare at her in complete disbelief.

 _Natalia came back to her. Of course, she did. She came back_ _home_.

All the warm feelings flooding her systems only made her think about how easily she could get addicted to that feeling of Natalia coming back. She felt peace deep within herself, which was very rare to her.

There was always a storm coming with Natalia. She was a hurricane, leaving behind a chaos of emotions in Yelena's exhausted heart. But this time, she was a calm summer breeze.

When she finally looked up and saw Yelena’s absent-minded smile, she frowned. “What?”

“I don’t know if I expected you to come back,” Yelena answered softly, but as soon as she noticed that the frown on Natalia’s face only deepened at the kindness in her voice, she cleared her throat and adjusted her voice to sound less emotional. “Where did you go?”

Natalia took a moment longer to inspect Yelena before she put out the last bottle. “Well, I had to finish your mission,” she muttered, tossing her backpack to the ground and straightening to head to the kitchen.

“Finish my mission?” Yelena asked confusedly, turning to keep Natalia in sight.

“The poison didn’t work, he didn’t die,” she called over her shoulder as she searched the kitchen cabinet. “So I had to pay him a visit in the hospital,” she said, paying more attention to two whiskey glasses she found than to what she was saying.

“I thought something was off. The file said it was supposed to take effect in seven minutes, but he started to choke right away-“ 

“He did?” Natalia snapped her head up from examining the glasses, but she seemed like she immediately regretted reacting so invested. “What are your next instructions?” 

“I don’t really have any,” Yelena shrugged. “Figured I’d just wait here for them to pick me up… that’s not how it works?” she added, sounding lightly concerned as Natalia stayed quiet with her brows furrowed.

It did not help when she flinched and shook her head. “Yeah,” she sighed and made her way back to the table, sitting down in the armchair and pouring both glasses full. She looked up and nodded at Yelena to take a glass, which made her shake off all the concerns.

It didn’t go unnoticed that Natalia slid the glass to the closest edge of the table, so Yelena had to sit down to the seat on the couch nearest to her.

Natalia raised her glass to have a toast and Yelena could feel her eyes fixed on her, but she just stared at the drink without touching it. “I’ve never had alcohol before,” she explained after she realized she was taking too long.

At that, Natalia leaned back, lips in her usual smirk. She began rubbing her finger along the rim of her glass and raised one eyebrow mischievously. “Another thing you’ve never done.”

Yelena paused in surprise, obviously taken aback by Natalia’s words. She tightened her jaw as she asked with her eyes.

“Killing someone?“ Natalia explained, tilting her head to one side, small daring smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

Yelena looked down at her hands, almost as if she was embarrassed but she didn’t really feel that way. She was relieved, it was good to get at least one of her secrets off her chest. “You know.”

“I do,” Natalia said as she leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees.

She reached one of her hands out and took a strand of Yelena’s hair between her fingers, putting it behind her ear. “For some reason I can read you like an open book,” she whispered distantly.

Yelena found herself too stunned to move. She didn’t even point out that she knew why Natalia could read her like an open book. She could _still_ read her like an open book.

Natalia released a deep breath and Yelena was hit by the smell of alcohol. It wasn't until then she realized that one of the bottles was almost empty. Natalia definitely wasn't sober and she wasn’t sure how much it affected her behavior.

She searched for anything in Natalia’s eyes, trying to understand what game she chose to play today. But Natalia seemed to be more lost in herself than in any game, her eyes as distant as her voice.

„How are you still alive when you are this innocent?” Natalia said in an undertone, moving her hand to stroke Yelena's face gently with the tips of her fingers.

Yelena could feel the scar on Natalia’s palm against her skin and at that moment, Yelena’s heart was beating off her chest. They stare into each other’s eyes so long Yelena began to feel nervous, but she felt like Natalia’s eyes were showing her soul after such a long time and she wouldn’t dare to look away.

Yelena’s cheek must have been burning from the rush of heat that slithered up to her face, but she was paralyzed by the spark of passion she felt for the first time in her life. And Natalia didn’t let go of her either.

Swallowing hard to make the lump in her throat go away, she heard words coming out of her lips before she could control them. “It’s not my choice really,” she uttered, her voice drifting off.

In response to that, Natalia pushed herself back into the armchair, rolling her eyes. Whatever happened between them a few seconds ago was gone and Yelena regretted opening her mouth immediately.

“Why do you keep talking like that? Like your life doesn’t matter to you…” It might have been the alcohol speaking, but Natalia sounded genuinely curious and even angry.

“It just-,” Yelena hadn’t fully recovered yet, so she stuttered over her words. She stood up and went to stand behind the couch, her back to Natalia.

Combing her fingers through her hair out of frustration, she tried to form her thoughts into words, but her voice betrayed her again. She half-sat on one of the bar stools in front of the kitchen island, mainly to sit as far away from Natalia as possible. She couldn't think clearly without enough distance between them. 

“Does everyone end up like Tatiana?” She asked so quietly as if she was afraid of the answer.

Something unreadable went through Natalia’s eyes as she seemed to understand that Yelena didn’t mean Tatiana dying.

“They break only the breakable ones,” she finally said after she went quiet for a while, but she sounded like she was mentally far away.

“But what if I am? Breakable?” Yelena was obviously holding back tears, her voice only underscored the despair in her words. But she couldn’t bring herself to care, this felt like right time to allow herself a moment of weakness. “I think I might be.” 

“We aren’t,” Natalia shook her head. The raising of her voice drew them both back to reality as their eyes met again.

“That’s why…” she trailed off and for the second time that night, Yelena felt like Natalia regretted saying something. “…We are still alive,” she finished with instead of whatever she was about to say.

“But what’s the point of living when you are…”

Yelena spent her whole life and even tonight choosing her words as carefully as if she was walking on shreds of glass. But sitting there without any surveillance with silent tears rolling down her face when just a few months ago she thought she wasn’t able to cry at all anymore, and with Natalia’s eyes looking free of any games, she couldn’t imagine a better moment to stop holding herself back. 

“…nothing more than a monster with no own will.”

_Please just remember… It’s better to be a human in pain than a monster with no own will._

She gave Natalia a second to let her words sink in, gripping the stool she was sitting on as she awaited any reaction impatiently.

“I don’t want to die,” Natalia said out of sudden and it gave Yelena goosebumps. That definitely wasn’t what she expected Natalia to say.

“What?”

Natalia didn’t answer straight away. She turned her head to stare into the distance, obviously weighing her options and Yelena wasn’t sure what to do to assure her there was nothing she couldn’t admit to her. 

“Are you… afraid to die?” she asked carefully in order not to sound like she was forcing her to answer, but Natalia let out a silent laugh.

“No. Death doesn’t scare me. It’s what comes after I’m not so sure about,” she shook her head as she played with a glass in her hands, leaving Yelena utterly confused.

“Are you telling me that the great Black Widow cares for her place in heaven?”

“I’ve never been given a reason to believe in heaven. But I was given plenty to believe in hell,” she talked so calmly and distantly that it left Yelena wondering whether she was even realizing she was in the room as well. Her face reminded blank, but she sounded so sincere, Yelena listened to every world carefully.

“Sometimes I feel like my death will be my last chance to redeem myself,” she lifted her head up then to glare at Yelena again. “So no,” she blinked and released a sigh, looking much more present than just a second before. “I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid my death won’t have any meaning. I want to die for _something worth dying for_.”

Yelena was completely shocked by everything Natalia confessed. Regardless of the amount of alcohol in her veins, she felt so human again. So real. And yet so perfect at the same time.

She needed to say something but she was left completely speechless, the thought that she had no idea of who Natalia was now was choking her.

_Tell me everything that had happened ever since we parted. Have you ever thought about me? Why are you here really? And who are you really? Run away with me._

_I missed you._

_Die for me then._

With those words on the tip of her tongue, she couldn’t bare the motionless silence any longer and since she wasn’t brave enough to speak, she returned to the couch and bent over to pick up her glass.

Natalia watched Yelena with her tired eyes as softly as her mask allowed her. She straightened and raised her glass as well and even though the _thank you_ was left unsaid, Yelena somehow felt Natalia was grateful she didn’t question her further.

It didn’t happen every day that the Black Widow opened up enough for people to possibly mock her for her weakness. Or at least change how they saw her.

But Yelena knew she looked at her the same way she did when she was five. And for all that’s worth, they could just toast to their fucked up lives for now.

“To all the things we have never done before,” Natalia announced as they clinked their glasses.

And maybe she meant herself talking about her feelings, and Yelena drinking alcohol. But in their lives, the list of those things was far longer and much more painful.

The deeper meaning behind that sentence grew even stronger when their eyes remained locked as they drunk. The feeling from before coming back and overwhelming Yelena once again.

All of it was so surreal. But the strange tension that built up between them was cut off when Yelena started coughing as that vodka burned her throat. She needed a moment to catch her breath, so she made her way back to the bar stool, when she heard Natalia giggle.

Yelena didn't even believe she would ever hear that sound again. She turned her head swiftly and couldn't stop her own smile from growing wide at the sight in front of her.

Natalia shifted in the armchair. She had her head leaned against the backrest, small smile playing at her lips and her eyes might have been glassy from exhaustion, but they still sparkled from the laughter. She had never felt so small and so beautiful.

Yelena felt as if this was the first time Natalia had actually returned to her. She finally got the feeling she had hoped for weeks ago when they met again after years in that damned ring.

She was there. Like really there. And even if it was just for a blink of an eye, she had her back. Yelena would never get that picture out of her mind.

“First times aren’t always easy,” Natalia said, obviously having a hard time not to tease Yelena about her reaction to alcohol, but she probably decided to stick up with their unspoken deal that they weren't mocking each other tonight. “At least you can check one off the list now.”

“I’ve never kissed anyone either.”

In a million year, Yelena wouldn’t be able to explain what kind of inner power made her say that out loud. But she had finally figured out what kind of desire had been suffocating her all night and she needed to breathe desperately.

Natalia’s face grew back serious as she watched Yelena carefully, her brow furrowed. And just when Yelena started regretting opening her mouth in the first place, Natalia placed her glass back on the table and stood up.

Yelena’s skin felt hot all over as Natalia began approaching her deliberately slow. By the time she stopped, there were just a few steps separating them.

“And you want to train on me?” Natalia murmured, biting her lip as she tilted her head. Her eyes drifter all over Yelena’s face, who spent several moments absorbing what was happening.

Yelena knew Natalia was highly practiced at seduction. Something irresistible radiated from within her, there was no wonder that every man desired her.

Nobody thought something so beautiful could ever harm them. But even if they knew, they would probably die gladly for one night spent with her. At this moment, Yelena couldn’t blame them.

“Yeah,” she whispered, nodding in case her shaking voice was too quiet to be heard. Her hesitant behavior didn’t match how she felt inside. She craved to kiss Natalia’s flawless face more than anything before.

She wondered if she was going to be the first person to ever survive the death kiss from the Black Widow. Or whether she was even going to survive at all.

Natalia took Yelena’s cheeks between her hands and run her thumb over her shivering lips. Yelena could hear her own heart pounding loudly in her ears as Natalia moved closer and looked deeply into her eyes one last time before she leaned in and pressed their lips together.

Yelena was blown away. Dumbstruck. Astonished.

She felt like she might explode at the sensation of Natalia’s lips against hers. It obliterated all her thoughts and she quickly found herself getting completely lost in the feeling. Her eyes teared up as she took a weak inhale of breath to steady herself. 

Natalia tasted like vodka and heaven, neither of them believed in.

After a few heartbeats, she caught up and moved her hands to place them on Natalia’s hips but she was soon overcome with the ache to touch her more. She needed to feel her skin and since she couldn’t, she let out a longing whimper as she gripped on Natalia so hard, she was sure it would leave marks.

Then Natalia pulled back but before Yelena could open her eyes, Natalia slid her hands into her hair and pulled her in for another kiss with such a force it hurt.

Unlike their first kiss, which was nothing more than a touch of the lips, this one was rather harsh. Natalia deepened the kiss immediately, but something about it felt off. As if she was fighting herself not to pull away.

She let out a frustrated sound and just when Yelena wanted to push herself off the bar stool so she could press their bodies together more, Natalia backed off, letting go off Yelena completely.

Yelena blinked her eyes open at the loss of warm contact, which felt like cold punch in the face. Her whole body was shaking and there was a hot tear rolling down her quivering chin, but Natalia’s expression drew her back into reality.

Despite her teary sight, she saw something in Natalia’s eyes she had never seen in them before. Fear.

Her eyes began roaming everywhere on Natalia’s face trying to understand, but she just stood there, staring back at her with shock written all over her face.

“What happened?” Yelena said under her breath as quietly as she could manage, but Natalia took a few more steps back before she turned around and began to leave.

When Yelena understood what was happening, she was fast to follow her.

“Nat, where are you going? Wait, please! Listen to me…” she rushed out desperately, while she watched Natalia grabbing her backpack and making her way to the window.

Yelena's stomach tightened as she felt her injured soul ripping apart. She would do anything to stop Natalia, to make her stay. But there were more and more tears blurring her view and the emotional hurting was turning into physical one the way it made her stop and close her eyes in pain.

When she found enough strength to allow her eyes flutter open again, Natalia was already opening the window and all Yelena could think about was how it would be kinder to kill her then leave her behind like that.

“Please don’t leave me again,” she called after her and it went out like a pleading cry.

_She might have meant just today._

_They both knew she didn’t._

Natalia turned sharply at that, panic flashing through her eyes. Her mouth opened and closed wordlessly as she let her eyes follow one of the tears running down Yelena’s face. But then she shook her head.

All Yelena could do was to stand there with the last pieces of her heart crushing as Natalia climbed through the window and disappeared. 

The same moment she lost sight of Natalia, the first ray of sunlight gently hit her tear stained face. She used her sleeve to wipe it, inhaling deeply to stop the inside trembling. She was so mad, the blood in her veins was boiling, but she couldn't bring herself to move.

She hugged herself with her arms as she stared at the spot where Natalia stood a few second before. Maybe it was a few hours before. She couldn’t really tell anymore.

"Smotri v obe storony, Natal'ya."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii! 
> 
> Omg I can't believe it's been more than four months since the last time I posted. But life got crazily hectic and time flies. But it felt sooo good to write again. I missed it dearly. :) 
> 
> Please let me know if anyone is still here, I could do with a little motivation to update as soon as possible obviously. I truly appriciate your patience with me. <3 
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading! :)


	8. darkness within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have to cross entire oceans when  
> I want a moment of her time  
> She never wants to fall in love again  
> And every kiss would be a crime."

It took them a few more hours, but the Red Room eventually showed up.

As they burst into the room, Yelena didn’t even flinch. She felt absolutely numb towards her surroundings. Towards everything.

Their voices sounded distant, as if they weren’t actually there. Every movement became a blur. She couldn't focus. As if she was stuck underwater, always a step behind reality.

They offered no explanation, but they didn't ask any questions either.

They didn’t seem to care about the bottles of alcohol on the table or why Yelena stood in the center of the room, staring at the window as if her soul had just left her body. They didn’t ask about Tatiana.

She barely noticed the grip on her arm and she felt like she blinked once and was already in the car, obviously losing the track of time. The car drive was supposed to take hours, but Yelena had no idea how long she had sat there. It was something between ten minutes and two years.

_What was happening to her?_

When they reached the Red Room, Yelena expected some sort of interrogation. She awaited the order to write a record of their mission. She wouldn't have been surprised if they wanted to punish her. They could have known everything, Yelena wasn't aware of all their information sources.

But none of that happened.

They just released her among the other girls, ignoring the fact that Yelena walked around like a ghost.

When they went to bed after dinner that day, Yelena was shocked to find another girl lying in it. She looked young and her eyes stared back at Yelena in that kind of fear that indicated she probably hadn't been part of the Red Room for long.

It was when Madame Death appeared, leading Yelena away. It turned out she was promoted. Even though Yelena wasn't sure if promotion was the right word to use. They just buried her deeper, closer to hell.

As she sat on her new bed that night, she observed the other girls around her and felt her chest tightening. It made her feel prickly uncomfortable to be in the same room with them. They were so much different from the girls from her previous class.

There was no sparkle in their eyes. No hint of emotion in their facial expressions. Their movements seemed robotic, unhuman. No whispers, no one was crying themselves to sleep. Nothing but the loudest silence Yelena had ever heard in her life.

It felt like she made a huge step back. All these years, she was used to the pain the Red Room was causing her. It felt like a routine, it wasn't driving her crazy in such a unbearable way.

But now that she knew what world could have been like outside, she couldn't stand being there. She didn’t belong there, not anymore. And she never would, not again.

She had to get out. _Whatever it takes._

**ONE YEAR LATER**

Yelena had been in the dark places before. But that kind of consuming darkness, that she found herself in a year after her promotion, would kill every beam of light that tried to come through.

The worst part of that darkness was that Yelena was embracing it.

A year. A whole year full of nothing but constant pain. The pain that began to turn into numbness when a certain point was reached. Mental and physical torture that slowly turned into quiet daily routine. The voices in her head never being kind to her, her own thoughts fading into thick silence.

Somewhere between her broken heart, vanishing common sense and desperate future, she became ruthless. The trained killer. The machine they wanted her to be.

She could tell she was changing. Some days, she found the strength to fight it. Some days, she gave in and let herself be cruel without even thinking about how horrible those things she had done were.

It was as if she was growing a certain dark energy inside herself that was not entirely part of her, but its presence was frighteningly strong. It was easy to let it take control, until the weight of her actions came crushing her down in those quiet moments when her humanity returned to her.

She decided to call the darkness she felt within her _inner Black Widow_.

She found release in imagining it as something that simply wasn’t her. Something she could blame everything on and pretend it wasn’t actually her with blood on her hands.

But it was always there, digging its nails into her from the inside and tearing her skin to get out.

Once, she caught herself wondering whether that was what happened to Natalia as well. If she began to lose pieces of herself, too. And if she felt as desperate about it and tried to fight it like her.

If she felt as alone and lost as Yelena did.

And for a short moment, she let herself think about Natalia differently. She forgot the hatred she was building inside herself every single day when Natalia didn’t show up again.

But when she almost allowed herself to miss her, she felt images that weren’t coming from her own mind forcing themselves into her head. _She couldn’t miss her. Natalia hurt her. She is the reason why Yelena is still stuck there and losing it. Losing herself._

Yelena was right, after all. No one had ever survived the Black Widow’s kiss. And she had never been special enough to make an exception.

Not to Natalia, at least.

___

A lot changed during that year.

Mostly Yelena's position in the Red Room. She became quite a respected member because of her skillset that was more than similar to Natalia’s own. Even the cruelty they were capable of matched by now, not that Yelena was realizing it fully yet.

Yelena wasn't naive enough to think they actually trusted her. She was even sure they knew how much she despised them and how much she despised herself for doing what they pleased. 

But she didn’t resist them, no matter what they asked of her. Either because she believed it was part of her plan or because she couldn't say no. Her body wouldn't allow her and it wasn't really her controlling what was happening. She was theirs. 

They kept sending her on outside missions regularly.

Every single time she was opening the new mission file, she couldn’t deny the smallest sparkle of hope that she would see Natalia’s name next to hers. It didn’t make any sense. Ever since the last time they saw each other, no one had even mentioned her.

It was as if she had disappeared.

And Yelena thought about her own disappearance often, too.

Every time, she was sent on her solo mission to another country, she would find herself hovering in the doorway. Freedom one step away from her and yet she had never found enough courage to actually take it. It seemed so easy to slip into the street and get lost in the crowd forever.

But she never did it. Always coming up with a new excuse.

Natalia told her about her chip and there was no way Yelena wouldn’t have one as well. They would find her. And she didn’t know where to go anyway. She had no idea how to be normal. She wouldn't fit anywhere. She had no one and was no one to all.

But with every other _next time,_ she got a little bit further from ever being able to be normal.

She would have never admitted the real reason behind her doubts. Not even to herself. But deep down she knew she couldn’t leave, because if there still was the slightest chance that Natalia would ever take a mercy on her and decided to come back for her, she would find her in the Red Room.

But she couldn’t give Natalia such a power in her head, so she lied to herself about it. She lied to herself about a lot of things.

When she believed that the electroshocks she went under after every mission still hurt her. When she denied that the pills she was forced to take didn’t fuck her brain over and make her forget who and where she was for days. When she thought she was still herself, under all of it.

God, she hated the way they ruined her. The way _she_ ruined her.

Natalia became a fleeting memory, but the one with power to tear down walls. The walls that Yelena was trying to build inside of herself as a protection from an ache that came every time she remembered Natalia’s name. Lately, she would see her only in her nightmares.

But distinguishing what were nightmares and what was reality got only harder with time. Each time Yelena woke up panting in the middle of the night, she summed up several real days into that one nightmare. She had no idea what she had already caused.

On clearer days, she remembered that her biggest fear had always been losing her ability to feel. Becoming one of them without even knowing. And she would do anything just to feel something again. She would do _things she had never done before,_ never really concerned about possible consequences.

She began drinking alcohol on her missions. A lot, actually.

On most days, she avoided vodka. On others, she wouldn’t drink anything else.

When she drunk enough of it, she ended up lying on the floor, utterly wasted and she could see Natalia lying next to her. She reached her hand towards her, but felt nothing else than cold air, which shattered her heart all over again. Because Natalia wasn’t there. It was all in Yelena’s head and she hated her for not being there. Not now and not when she needed her the most. But all that rage she felt inside came out just like the quietest of whispers: “Why do you still haunt me?”

Yelena was slowly killing herself.

And she killed other people, too.

The night she killed her first victim might have been the first moment she realized how much her inner darkness got the better of her already.

It was a man. She wasn’t supposed to kill him, he didn’t matter. He wasn’t part of her mission. He was an ordinary man at the wrong time in the wrong place.

He begged for his life and she almost let him go, but then he cried he had children. Normally, Yelena would feel sorry for him, she knew what it felt like having your parents taken away from you without any explanation, after all.

But this time, she got mad. Jealous even. She felt as if he was the one who stole away her chance for normal life. Because it was her father, who left her in the Red Room, right?

She shot him. Watching him blankly as he shouted and then went quiet, just panting. After he released his last breath, she came back to her room.

She wasn’t really sure if it really happened. She had stared at herself in the mirror and her pupils were darker than she had ever remembered them. She was terrified of herself, felt like crying but the reflection in the mirror was blank. And then she saw her own face in the mirror smile lightly back at her, and Yelena jumped and screamed so hard it hurt her lungs. She sat on the floor with her head between her hands and screamed through the night.

She didn’t know if she was going crazy. And that was driving her crazy.

So before she went to sleep and had a chance to blame it all on another nightmare, she ran back to the street and hoped that the body wouldn’t be there. That it was just another horrible dream. But she found it.

Tears were streaming down her face as she buried him, hoping to bury her own sins with him as well. 

Afterwards, killing became easier. A frequent task. Same as lying, spying, torturing, blackmailing, stealing... She had sex, now.

She felt nothing but somewhat dirty and used and always enjoyed killing the men after. 

She never let them kiss her. She had always seen Natalia’s face on them in the end. Maybe it disgusted her because she tried so hard to hate her. Or she knew it wasn’t real Natalia and she wanted her to be the last person to kiss her. 

It didn’t really matter if she was having sex or killing people, it was always Natalia’s face.

It had always been her in everything.

**ROMANIA**

Yelena was sitting in her safehouse in Romania, where she was on a mission, chasing after some man she knew nothing about except that he had a metal arm.

It was dark and raining outside, so she decided to go through all the paper the Red Room provided her with to prepare for tomorrow’s operation.

Among all the photos, coded messages and other evidence, she found a file related to her mission that she was on with Tatiana. It turned out that the Red Room had a serious suspicion that her target attended the same party as them. But that wasn’t what kicked the air out of Yelena’s lungs.

Her eyes found the date of the mission on the page, and something felt terribly wrong about it. She almost swept all the papers off the table as she rushed for her file on her current mission.

Comparing the two dates, she felt like she couldn’t breathe when she found out that they were a year apart. _A year._

Yelena didn’t know until then. It felt like a few weeks, maybe month.

The sudden realization knocked her over. She trembled, trying to understand how many missions she actually had to be on. How many things she had done probably weren't just nightmares as she assumed them to be. How much she gave them and how little was left of her.

And then the second realization came, twice as hard as the first one. She hadn’t seen Natalia in a year.

_Natalia had a fucking year._

And she didn’t come. She didn’t check up on her. She saw how scared Yelena was. How much she needed her. But she left. She _always_ left _._

The week in Romania had been awfully long and hurtful.

Maybe it was the discovery she made the first night, or the fact that she had been without the Red Room's brainwashing treatment for a week... But she hadn't felt so sane in a long time.

Which also meant that she was far more aware of everything she had to do. Far weaker to memories that part of her was still trying to get rid of. Her nightmares had never been so vivid and the voices in her head had never screamed so hard.

Except for that, the mission went surprisingly well. She found him. She was just following him down the street, when suddenly, the world around her stopped.

Yelena felt _her._ That unmistakable tingling coming from her toes to her ears, she longed for so desperately every day that year. She was there.

She felt Natalia’s eyes on her and completely forgot about her target, her mission, her hatred. She was turning around, searching every corner of the street and every face that passed her in the crowd.

She couldn’t comprehend how people just kept walking as if nothing happened. How the world kept moving on. Didn’t anyone else feel that earthquake that came with the most subtle of tingles?

It took only a short time. She lost the feeling again.

Unable to move and frozen in the place, she couldn’t stop looking for her. And if she had ever thought she could, she was only fooling herself. Natalia had always been the face she was searching for in crowded places.

She couldn’t stop her mind from wondering whether this was the first time she felt Natalia in that year because it was the first time she let herself feel her.

Maybe Natalia was there before. Or Yelena wasn’t as sane as she hoped and this exhausting week was playing tricks on her. Maybe Natalia wasn’t there even now.

But she was. Natalia was there. Yelena didn’t know it back then… but Natalia was _always_ there.

**SWITZERLAND**

That one mission in Switzerland was quite different. Usually, her missions consisted of going somewhere, killing someone or stealing something and getting back. That was it.

But the Red Room began working with an organization in Switzerland, that was supposed to provide them with giant underground warehouses. Yelena was one of the people they sent to make sure everything went well. She was supposed to be there for a whole month.

One night, she was walking one of the long underground corridors when someone grabbed her and forcefully pushed her into one of the rooms.

Before she could even register who it was, she felt a strong punch right to her face that sent her crushing into the table behind her, stocks of papers and stuff falling down from it.

Yelena stumbled, but managed to stay on her feet. Blood began rushing from her nose and sharp pain shot through her body when she touched it. Wiping the blood from her chin, she looked up to see her attacker. _It couldn’t be…_

Natalia stood there. Not any different from that night a year ago. Only this time, Yelena could tell she was furious. Her jaw clenched and her hands in tight fists. Her once absolutely blank eyes now overfilled with rage.

 _It wasn’t possible._ The rational part of Yelena’s brain said that it was just another imagination. Her goddamn confused mind. Another way it decided to fuck with her.

But before Yelena had enough time to take Natalia in properly, she launched forward again. Yelena was faster this time, successfully catching Natalia’s leg in the air and twisting it. They both fell to the ground.

Natalia seemed only mildly surprised as she shot Yelena deadly glare before they reached for each other to continue fighting immediately.

Yelena automatically switched into her trained killer mindset, completely forgetting that this might be the real Natalia. It was just another person, who meant nothing more than a mission. All of them had her face, anyway.

Both kept raining blows as if they wanted each other dead. Turning on the ground, constantly switching who was straddling who... Yelena couldn’t tell how long their fight lasted.

At one point, Yelena managed to get back on her feet. Natalia was fast to follow her, pushing Yelena against the wall and holding her wrists above her head. Yelena felt another strong punch to her mouth and her instincts made her pull away and headbutt Natalia across the face before she even realized what really happened.

It caused Natalia to let go Yelena’s wrists as she took a few unstable steps back.

At that moment Yelena’s mind caught up with the situation and she came to realization that the last punch from Natalia was actually a kiss. She didn’t hit her, she smashed their lips together in a very rough way.

Whoever was standing in front of her, they didn’t only look and fight like Natalia. They surely even tasted like her.

Natalia touched her own face and found out it was bleeding too, now. Darkness flashed over her eyes as she moved her leg to trip Yelena up. She went down willingly, her knees weakening so much they wouldn’t have hold her up any longer anyway. She landed on the floor, sitting there as her wild eyes searched Natalia’s face. _It was Natalia. It had to be her._

“What have you done to me?!”

Yelena was utterly shocked to realize that she wasn’t the one who shouted that question. Natalia was staring hard at her with wide watery eyes that burned with anger and Yelena could barely breathe, let alone say anything.

“You’ve ruined me,” Natalia screamed again, but her voice broke in the middle of it.

 _What was going on?_ Yelena was the one to blame Natalia there. She left her. So why did Natalia looked like she was about to break into million pieces at any moment, making choking sounds as she desperately tried not to cry.

She dropped to her knees then. Her hands shaking as she reached out to cradle Yelena’s face, running her fingers all over it as if she herself needed a proof that Yelena was real. 

Yelena opened and closed her mouth, but she couldn’t say a word. The tears were flowing down both of their faces now and Yelena didn’t understand why she wanted nothing more but to comfort Natalia. To hold her and make her stop crying.

“You’ve ruined me,” Natalia repeated in a whisper, all the anger gone and all that was left sounded like a pure brokenness of her soul itself.

She connected their lips again, softly this time, but something snapped in Yelena. It all felt like too much and yet never enough and her current mental state couldn’t bare it. She sprung out her leg and kicked Natalia into her stomach, which caused her to fall back on her backside.

But before Natalia could move up, Yelena was on her all four, crawling to her again. One hand slipping into her hair to pull her close and crush their lips together again, biting Natalia’s lip hard.

Natalia gripped Yelena’s waist roughly as she pushed herself off the ground, so she was half-sitting in Yelena’s lap. She ran her hands from her waist, along her arms and rested them around Yelena’s neck as if she was about to choke her while still deepening their kiss.

Yelena could tell Natalia was fighting herself again. The same way she did during their first kiss. Natalia probably didn’t want to be like that. She wanted to smash Yelena to dust so there was nothing left to bury. But there was always this undeniable force between them and Yelena could well understand her urgency.

Natalia kept adding pressure on Yelena's neck but never strong enough for Yelena to even fully notice. She tried to press her thumb one more time before giving up and pulling away from their kiss. But she kept their foreheads pressed together, panting heavily.

They were leaning on each other, both done with fighting. The tension leaving their bodies as if it was never really there.

Natalia lifted her teary eyes from Yelena’s neck to bore them into her eyes and at that very moment, Yelena knew.

“You will leave.”

She said it in the most neutral tone. It held no grudge, no anger, no hatred. As if she just needed to say it out loud so she could accept it. 

“Did I ever really leave?” Natalia murmured, her lips shaking but she smirked, sounding much more like herself again.

But before Yelena found enough strength to say something else, Natalia touched Yelena’s face one last time and Yelena’s world went black. She didn’t even know how she hit her.

But when she woke up, she was still on the same floor. In the same room. In the same nightmare.

The blood on her face that wasn’t all just hers but also Natalia’s dried, her tears were long gone and her every muscle hurt as she tried to stand up.

Not even all the brainwashing in the world would be able to put her mind in a position where it would make this up. Not when she still felt Natalia's taste tangling on her own lips.

_You will leave. You always do._

_And you will come back._

_You always do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, how are youu?
> 
> I'm sorry that editing of this chapter took me forever, but I'm still not very good at writing down what I came up with in my mind and halfway through I realized that a lot of it didn't make any sense so I had to rewrite it. Please let me know if some parts are way too confusing, I might rewrite them again. :) 
> 
> Also if you haven't noticed yet, I love pain and I'm afraid it's only gonna get worse, haha. But I swear all of it is gonna be necessary for the plot in upcoming chapters.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Stay safe and take care of yourself! :)


	9. silent invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Could I feel your skin on mine  
> Before I have to say goodbye?  
> Could I breathe, please, one last time?  
> You in my lung before I curl up and die  
> All my world is losing light."

**RUSSIA**

That freaking silence.

Even on ordinary days, the Red Room was filled with noises. There was screaming and fighting and commands shouting and music coming from the ballet room. There had always been at least some kind of noise.

Therefore, it definitely shouldn’t be that quiet _today_.

Yelena stood in the corridor in the above-ground part of the building, staring out the widow and watching the storm outside. The weather only darkened the already gloomy atmosphere of the godforsaken place and it was cold, but Yelena didn’t let her body shiver. She needed to focus.

She needed something, anything to cut through the silence and prove that it was real. That Natalia didn’t lie to her. That she meant all of it, particularly those things she didn’t really say.

But all Yelena could hear was her own unsteady breathing, the wild beating of her heart, the ringing in her ears. The heavy rain that was hitting hard against the window and the wind rushing outside. Other than that, it was quiet.

Quiet for normal day.

Too quiet for Natalia’s graduation.

Yelena eagerly waited for that day ever since she got to know the date, even though she wasn’t entirely sure why.

Part of her expected a huge celebration. The entire Red Room kneeling before its greatest creation. The Black Widow. The spy, the killer, the seducer. They did it, didn't they? They created a monster the whole world feared.

She used to be so small. So innocent. _She used to laugh, did they even know that?_

The little redheaded girl who stole a piece of bread and brought it to Yelena when she was ordered to starve. Yelena had never forgotten that sparkle in her eyes and the smirking expression on her face as she did so. She was so proud of herself for breaking their rules.

It hadn't been that long ago… What happened to her? What had they done to her? But Yelena couldn’t even tell if she was asking more for Natalia or herself.

Of course, there would be no celebration. The more Yelena thought about it, the more she realized that the Red Room didn't work that way. They wouldn't erect Natalia's statue there, wouldn’t dare to do anything that might bring a beam of light, a piece of happiness.

But the silence was still a little bit too loud.

If the songs of celebration didn't spread through the corridors, she should hear her scream at least. She'd heard too much about the graduation ceremony to believe that even Natalia could withstand all of it without breaking at some point.

She wondered how it would make her feel. If she heard Natalia yell and beg and it would confirm it was truly happening. Yelena would be standing there as freely as one could in the Red Room and Natalia would be experiencing her own personal hell several floors below her.

She would probably feel useless, once again accepting Natalia's pain as her own and feeling desperate to save her. Or she would feel satisfied with how the tables had turned.

But she couldn’t hear a thing.

The reason why all of it mattered so much was that it held much bigger meaning for Yelena than just Natalia graduating. Even than Natalia leaving the Red Room _._

The rest of her life depended on that day, on that one decision she had yet to make. She had to decide whether she trusted Natalia or was past the point where she was capable of it.

The thing was, Yelena wouldn’t even know that the graduation ceremonial was today, if it wasn’t Natalia herself who told her.  
  


**TWO WEEKS BEFORE; SWITZERLAND**

Yelena’s mission in Switzerland was coming to an end and she was due to head back to Russia the day after. The only thing that was left to do was a ton of paperwork that covered the whole month, which was going to take hours.

Yelena didn’t mind. It wasn't her least favorite part of the missions. No one was in pain, but her mind was still occupied. It was calm, peaceful.

But right in that moment, Yelena felt everything but calm and peaceful.

She didn’t allow her hands to shake, purposely kept her breathing even and fixed her eyes strictly on the pile of papers in front of her, hoping that the dim light of the basement hid the rest of the emotions that were creeping out to her face.

But focusing on finding the folder she needed didn’t seem possible. Not with two green eyes watching her from the shadow in the corner of the room. 

_Why now?_ _Why was she back now?_ Natalia hadn’t tried to reach her since their last encounter. 

It took only a few days for Yelena to start doubting her own mind again. She almost drove herself to madness trying to figure out if it was just another creation of her own imagination. All of her proves were gone once she washed their blood off her face and with her memories fading fast, everything became confusing. 

But standing there now, she knew she hadn't imagined any of it.

She felt Natalia the second she entered the room but didn’t give anything away yet. Mostly because she didn’t know how to act. She had no idea how she was supposed to react after last time.

So, she chose to wait instead.

The atmosphere in the room was so thick there was no doubt Natalia knew Yelena was aware of her presence. In fact, Yelena had never been more aware of anything in her life. And yet it had been a while now and Natalia still hadn’t come out of her hiding.

There was a chance they were back to playing games. If they ever even stopped.

But Yelena’s skin burned and throbbed under Natalia’s gaze, making it harder and harder to keep standing still and she knew she wouldn’t be able to bare it for too long.

It was when she felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore, she decided to stop waiting and be the first one to speak, even if it meant letting Natalia win.

“Are you planning on standing there like that all night?” Yelena heard herself say without thinking about it, shocking herself by how composed and unbothered she sounded.

 _Good, she was finally in control even with Natalia being this close for once. It was good._

She refused to look in Natalia’s direction and kept going through the papers. It made her feel even more powerful. Or she knew that just one proper glance at her would make her completely powerless.

But in the corner of her eyes, she could see Natalia stepping out of the shadow. The emotionless mask was firmly back on her face exactly like Yelena remembered it, but the idea of her playing any games left her immediately.

She didn’t hold herself as proudly as she usually did, taking a few slow steps to lean her back against the table right next to Yelena. Her gaze was fixed forward, her arms crossed. It seemed like she didn’t come out sooner because she was thinking. Because she was as hesitant as Yelena felt.

A few seconds passed and Yelena’s anxiety began raising again as Natalia still hadn’t said anything, biting the inside of her cheek, lost in her own thoughts.

“Why are you here?” Yelena asked, this time lacking the mocking tone but still refusing to look her way.

Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, Natalia took a deep breath before turning her head, her eyes boring into Yelena’s face. As if the act itself didn’t quicken Yelena’s heart to speed where it hurt, the words Natalia responded with crushed it to dust.

“I graduate in two weeks.”

That was it. The time stopped. The universe exploded. Another part of Yelena died.

It felt like a cold punch to her face, like a strong blow to her stomach, like a bullet in her head. It was as if her heart had been ripped from her chest, all the blood drained from her veins, her whole body set on fire or frozen to death.

Natalia was exactly two weeks away from cutting the red string tying them together and Yelena didn’t think she could handle it. She didn’t think she could survive it.

The world was breaking crumble apart around her and she couldn’t move, standing rooted in her place as her soul and her mind and everything she was were dying in the middle of the apocalypse inside her.

And yet all of it went out like the briefest hesitation, when her fingers stopped going through the folders for less than a second before flipping another paper.

Natalia didn’t seem to even notice. Her gaze was fixed on Yelena, which was making her breath hitch, but she didn’t let her face reveal any emotion.

She knew Natalia was waiting for her reaction, but since she still didn’t dare to look at her, she couldn’t tell if her eyes were showing confusion, desperation, anger or simply nothing.

“I’m leaving then,” Natalia added calmly, sounding tired, empty, resigned but still somehow impatient for Yelena to answer.

The silence that followed would be too heavy, too suffocating, if it wasn’t for all the whispers of the words that were left unsaid hovering all around them. Within them. 

There was something about the way Natalia said it. The tone she used at the word _leaving._ As if she knew it was Yelena’s biggest weakness but also as if she had never left before.

_Did I ever really leave?_

Yelena tried so hard not to give in. She needed to stay in control, to remain cold. She craved deeply to know she wasn’t the only one hurting from all of this, seeing it as her chance to punish Natalia.

To punish her for every time she left, and perhaps even more for every time she came back without having any intention to stay.

She needed her to suffer for the cold look she gave her when she was leaving her in the basement with Madame Death, seconds after telling her she meant _nothing_ to her. Seconds before Yelena tasted the real darkness of the Red Room for the first time and started vanishing into _nothing_ for real.

She longed to make her feel what she felt, when Natalia hissed that _weak_ at her as she walked away from her laying in the ring, after she spent years and years waiting for the moment to finally have her back. She did become _weak_ after that, losing so much more than just her hope, her will to live, herself. 

She wanted to see her in the same pain Yelena experienced when the warmth was leaving her mattress under her fingers after Natalia came to her in her sleep.

To hurt her for leaving nothing but emptiness in the basement two weeks ago, in the safe apartment a year ago, in the Red Room’s bathrooms before that and most important of all, in the bed when they were kids.

When Yelena after months of waiting, hoping and even praying, finally understood that Natalia wasn’t coming back. Yelena was so small. So innocent. _She didn’t laugh ever since either._

Natalia deserved to be punished for every single time she made Yelena believe she would be able to make her stay. For every single time she came back without addressing anything like she accepted forgiveness that was never given.

She never even had to put her hands on her to beat her like a dog. So why? Why Yelena wasn’t strong enough to do it? Why she could never do it? 

All she felt was a gnawing fear that if she stayed quiet a little longer, Natalia would leave. But it would be different this time. This time, it would be for good.

“How do you feel?” Yelena asked, because she had to ask. She still sounded steady, still avoided looking at Natalia. But that question held the weight of every question she would never have enough courage to ask.

It was her showing she cared, no matter how much she wished she didn’t.

Natalia let out a quiet, relieved breath. Almost as if she herself could breathe easier now she knew Yelena wasn’t going to stay silent forever. She turned her head away, staring in front of herself as she always had when she was trying to be as honest as she remembered what to be honest meant.

As if being human was something to be ashamed of. Yelena understood. Of course, she did. It was hard to be human, when being human meant to have weaknesses and they were used to being tortured for showing even the smallest of them.

_Was it a weird question to ask? To ask about feelings?_

Natalia responded after a pause, as if she was gathering her thoughts. “I don’t know,” she murmured. “I always think there’s nothing they could surprise me with anymore but then…” 

The way she trailed off made Yelena finally turn her head and Natalia did the same at the exact moment. Their eyes met and Natalia's pierced right through into Yelena's soul. It sent a painful shiver down the length of her spine. _Those eyes. Those damn eyes._

Natalia looked conflicted, caught somewhere between wanting to be asked for more and knowing her demons wouldn’t let her show her vulnerability anyway.

And Yelena was lost even more. Could this be the last time she would see her? The last time they would ever talk to each other? Natalia was leaving the Red Room. _God, she was leaving._

“What are you going to do?” Yelena decided to change the topic, hoping for Natalia to give her a clue of her plan in exchange for that release. “After you graduate, I mean.”

Natalia remained quiet for a while, never breaking their eye contact but entirely ignoring Yelena’s question. “What would be the first thing you would do? Once you get out?”

Yelena couldn’t help herself but feel bitter when Natalia refused to tell her. Her silence yelled _give me a continent at least_ as loud as it could _._

When Natalia understood she wasn’t planning on giving her the answer, she looked away. “I would go on a drive... There was this motel on the road from Volgograd to Saratov. They served the best breakfast eggs I’ve ever had in my life.”

 _What the hell was she talking about?_ Yelena was dumbfounded, her brows furrowed as she stared at Natalia as if she had lost her mind.

“I was offered a job for the KGB,” Natalia said suddenly.

 _So, she wanted it. She wanted to be the monster even after._ Yelena was a little bit disappointed by hearing that, but she couldn’t tell she was surprised. She didn’t know if either of them was capable of being more.

“I’ve met those people,” Natalia continued rather absentmindedly. “He is one of the Soviet Union’s pilots. And she went through the Red Room program more than once… They said I could stay with them.”

“Will you?”

“I guess. I’m not sure yet,” Natalia shrugged. “We are supposed to meet a week after my graduation. I will see then.”

Yelena’s eyes dropped as she began to feel desperate. She was mad that Natalia didn’t give her anything concrete to loosen the tightness in her chest. She wasn’t even blinking, scared that if she closed her eyes for a fraction of second, Natalia would disappear.

“I will be with them through the winter for sure.”

The forcefulness in her voice made Yelena lift her eyes to Natalia again, who was already looking at her. Yelena had never seen anyone glaring so intense, practically screaming through her eyes. The blood rushing in her ears as she couldn't bring herself to stop staring into Natalia’s eyes.

Something clicked. Just like that. It wasn’t Yelena, Natalia didn’t want to know where she would go. It was everyone else. It was _them._

Yelena’s mouth was slightly open, her lip quivered. She no longer bother to hide her emotions as her eyes automatically went to search the walls for security cameras and the corner of Natalia’s mouth twitched up at the movement. When their eyes locked again, there was no doubt anymore.

This wasn’t any game. This was _a silent invitation._

All of the sudden, there was some loud crash in the corridor followed by footsteps, which made Yelena's head jerk in the direction of the door. But Natalia’s gaze didn’t waver from her. When Yelena caught a glimpse of Natalia moving in the corner of her eye, she flinched, expecting her to black her out somehow again.

But there was something reassuring in Natalia’s eyes, as if she was asking for trust one last time. She held her hand out to Yelena, moving as slow as if she was reaching to a wild animal and she let her. For some insane reason, she let her.

Natalia placed her hand on Yelena’s shoulder lightly and carefully took the step separating them. She added pressure with her finger and Yelena could feel something move under her skin.

She froze. Natalia let the moment linger, giving time for her action to sink in. Her eyes never leaving Yelena’s face as Yelena was staring at the wall in front of her with her eyes wide.

_Where’s that chip now?_

_In the shoulder of one waitress who lives in the same house where my safe place is._

Yelena had to bite her lip to suppress the whimper forcing its way out as Natalia leaned in so close that she could feel her cheek against her own and her hot breath on her ear.

“Look both ways,” she whispered into Yelena’s ear after a couple of slow breaths. “Always.”

She pulled away then, letting her hand fall from Yelena’s shoulder as she began to walk away. Yelena’s vision was blurry with tears as she hurriedly tried to turn around and catch Natalia’s hand. But she missed by inches.

She would pull her in. She would ask her for more information. She would ask her to take her away with her in the exact moment. She would tell her everything. She would never let her go again.

But she missed by inches.

And the door closed. And Natalia was gone. And she missed by inches.

_What would be the first thing you would do? Once you get out?_

_Why would you even ask me that? You know the answer. I would try to find you, or I would wait for you to find me. I don’t know how to be anything else._  
  


**BACK TO PRESENT; RUSSIA**

Yelena’s flow of thoughts was disrupted by the loud boom of thunder and it wasn’t until then she realized the sky was no longer dark because of the blackened clouds but for the darkness had fallen.

She had to stand there for hours, going through their conversation over and over in her head. It was suspicious no one had noticed, given that it was almost dinner time.

Trying to be alone a little longer, she took her time making her way to the dining hall. She had to make her decision soon, it would be best for her if she could do it tonight.

The month in Switzerland had such a positive effect on her mind, almost making her believe she could get back to her old self eventually. But she could feel the coldness of the place enveloping her, knowing the darkness wasn’t far behind.

Hoping for anything good was a risky game here, she dared not to dwell on her getting better too much. She expected them to destroy her hope with a snap of their fingers immediately when she returned, but she had been back for two weeks and no one paid special attention to her.

They could forget. Or they had been busy with something else, something bigger- _something like the Black Widow’s graduation._

_God, what is she doing?_

When Natalia showed her the chip, wasn’t it her making the first step for her? Something Yelena had been yearning her whole life for? Why was she fooling herself like that?

She hated Natalia for playing games so much, only to get caught up in the one she was playing on herself. This wasn't about whether they trusted each other. It wasn't about Natalia's reasons for doing what she did. This was Yelena's last chance.

The burning ache of longing to be wherever Natalia was would never go away. And now she had a conformation, that Natalia would have her. That she wasn’t forgotten. There was someone out there, who was waiting for her and it was more than Yelena had ever had.

The cold hard truth about her was there was nothing left she could possibly live for and nothing left to lose if something went wrong, they caught her or she couldn’t find her. 

Life only made sense when Natalia was near and Yelena was so damn tired of always holding her breath until she saw her again. She needed her more than she needed to breathe, for there was no point in breathing if she wasn’t close. If she wasn’t there.

Of course, she would go.

Natalia could ask her to go to the down of the earth with her and she would go. She would withstand all the horrors of the world for her, to stand beside her.

She made her decision.

The only one she could. The only one that made sense.

She didn’t even realize she managed to get to the dinning hall and sit down, until a mission folder was thrown on the table in front of her. She was aware that now more than ever, she must draw no attention to herself, becoming nothing more than a shadow.

So, she finished her meal calmly. She returned the tray before she even came back to collect her file. Steady and slow, she walked to her bed, holding her file carelessly in her hand as if her whole world didn't depend on it.

Opening the folder, Yelena felt as if the universe chose not to hate her for once but decided to give her its approval this time.

Solo mission. In Russia. She was supposed to leave in less than a week.

It was perfect _._ And there was only _one thing left to do._

___

Yelena knew it was stupid to risk everything for something like this.

Her mission was tomorrow and it would be probably more sensible to rest properly, but also knowing she wouldn't be able to leave without it, there wasn’t much she could do. She promised _to take good care of it,_ after all.

She waited several more hours after everyone had gone to sleep before uncuffing her hand and heading to the corridor. Girls in her class were allowed to go to the bathrooms at night, so it wouldn’t be too bad if she got caught. The important part was no one noticed she slipped to her previous sleeping room.

Walking as quietly as she could in order not to wake anyone, she tiptoed to her former bed. There was a girl lying in it, so Yelena swiftly pressed her hand over her mouth before she could jerk awake. Slowly sitting down next to her, she lifted her finger to her own lips as a signal for the girl to stay quiet.

Yelena reached under the mattress and her hand easily slipped into the hole in it and pulled out the small white stone.

_“It represents my soul, you know.”_

She wanted to come for it many times over last year. But she was too scared it wouldn’t be there. She was terrified it had never existed and she just imagined it. Imagined her whole childhood. Imagined their bond. There was a point where she wasn’t sure if Natalia was a real person.

_“I am afraid I will get lost, Lena. But like this… half of me is safe with you. And you will always find me.”_

It was funny, Yelena thought as she played with the pebble in her hand, how the Red Room thought they were watching their every move, and yet this stone had been right there under their noses for more than a decade, and they had no idea.

And even if they found it, they would never know the importance of it. How it was the only tangible thing Yelena had ever cared about.

_“Promise me you will always remember I would never hurt you on purpose, not when I am me. I will do anything to save you.”_

Yelena refocused her attention to the girl after a while. Lifting her hand from her mouth, she realized it was the same one she had found there a year ago. She still had the fear written all over her face, but it was so much different kind of it.

The light in her eyes was dimmed, her face was bruised, the edges of her face sharper, there were dark circles under her eyes. How much the year spent there changed her. Twisted her, probably.

Yelena ached to say something to her like Natalia did when she sat there exactly like that. Something that would become her strength, her hope. But the words died on her tongue, she didn’t know what to say. And she didn’t know how to say it.

Damn, she didn’t even know how to be strength or hope for herself. 

Perhaps, there are moments when the best thing you could do for someone is to _leave_. And then _come back_ for them when the time is right. 

_“Whatever it takes, I will save you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!! 
> 
> I'd just like to thank everyone who took their time to leave kudos or comment, I always get absolutely overexcited every time I recieve the notification. I know I'm not the best at updating, so it means a lot that there is someone out there still waiting and reading my story. So thank you, really. :) 
> 
> I hope these times aren't too hard on you and y'all are doing well.
> 
> As always, thank you so very much for reading!!


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